The Highly Sensitive Narcissist?

By Eartha Stone

I know you’re probably rolling your eyes at the title, but some of you know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m talking about being a deeply empathic person in a relationship with a narcissist. If you know, you know.

Narcissists are highly sensitive. That’s part of why they take offense at so many things that might be nothing more than a passing comment, a lighthearted joke, or a simple observation. They are self-referential to the core, and the closer you get to them the more they interpret your actions, your tone, even your silence, as a personal attack.

Sensitivity ≠ Empathy

Here’s where many empaths get tripped up: narcissistic sensitivity is not the same thing as empathic sensitivity. Both involve radar, but the radars are tuned differently.

• Deep empaths are tuned into resonance: “I feel what you feel.”
• Narcissists with NPD are tuned into assessment: “I know what you feel, but I don’t feel it with you.”

That’s the key distinction between affective empathy (feeling with) and cognitive empathy (understanding without feeling). Many narcissists, especially those with narcissistic personality disorder, have surprisingly high levels of cognitive empathy. They can read you with eerie precision, picking up on your micro-expressions, tone shifts, and emotional patterns. But that skill doesn’t come from sharing your heart—it comes from scanning for threats and opportunities.

The Projection Trap

This is why deeply empathic people often misread narcissists. We see their sharp perception and think: “They must feel deeply, like I do. They’ve just been hurt. If I show them enough love, they’ll finally live up to the potential I sense in them.”

Hard truth: what you’re seeing is not hidden affective empathy waiting to be unlocked. It’s a self-protective system already being used for control, image-management, and survival.

When we project our own empathy onto their cognitive skill, we risk staying too long, making excuses, or waiting for the “good person” we think must be underneath. That person doesn’t exist in the way we imagine.

The Creepy Insight

Anyone who’s dealt with narcissists knows the unnerving experience of being “read.” They may tell you what you’re feeling before you’ve said a word. They may push your buttons with surgical accuracy. They’re not spiritually gifted or secretly soft-hearted. They’ve honed a survival strategy that involves constant scanning of others.

People with no empathy at all don’t bother paying that much attention. Narcissists do, but not to connect. They do it to protect themselves and to keep control.

Self-First by Design

With NPD, self-reference is the organizing principle. Even when they do something that looks generous or kind, it’s filtered through the question: “How does this serve me?” That doesn’t mean every act is consciously manipulative—it means their entire relational lens is structured around the self.

For an empath, this is a setup. We look at those kind moments and say, “See, that’s the real them.” But it’s not. It’s still self-first, even if it comes dressed as kindness.

The Bottom Line

If you’re deeply empathic, the most dangerous trap in a relationship with a narcissist is assuming they feel like you feel. They don’t. They assess, they anticipate, they scan—but they do not resonate.

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And that difference matters. When you stop mistaking their cognitive empathy for your affective empathy, you stop waiting for the good person “hidden inside.” You see them for what they are right now. That clarity can save you from relationships that burn you out and break you down.