The Beginning

Well I was released from the hospital three days ago and it's the start of a new chapter. I knew I was going in for quite some time and I'm grateful for the treatment I received. It was comprehensive and targeted to what my issues were/are. Which is quite a switch from the doctors that I had been seeing in years past. But going through PTSD treatment is extremely intense and disorientating. I was told at the start that I should expect things to get worse before they get better. This was an understatement. After talking to other patients who had gone through similar treatments - some who had dropped out - I realized that I was dealing with things that wouldn't just disappear. I wont go into the whole history of the trauma I endured, only to say that I had been re-traumatized in 2016. And I thought I was managing all right by myself, until it got to a place where I didn't want to leave the house. I stopped doing the things that kept me balanced and steady and the panic attacks increased to several times a day. I needed help and I finally, after two years of trying to manage on my own, I broke down and sought out a treatment program.

The only thing that I can say after being out for a few days is that, I really thought I would be feeling better. You know, you go into a treatment center for five and a half months, you kind of expect to be doing better. So I'm a bit disappointed in myself that I wasn't able to see the gains that I wanted to see. My therapist, trauma counselor and medical doctor all agree that I'm moving in the right direction, and assure me that things will get better. But I have to say, although I believe that these professionals know what they are talking about - I feel cruddy 😕

I had to stop driving over two years ago because of the panic and travel is really difficult for me right now. And yet in order to continue with outpatient treatment and other therapies, I'm going to have to travel to and from the hospital two or three times a week - on public transportation no less. This starts this coming Monday and I am not looking forward to it. I may take an Uber or something, but that's going to get expensive really quick. I put in my application for paratransit, and hopefully that goes through. It will give me the ability to be picked up and dropped off door to door with minimal drama. Fingers crossed that things get approved and I can start to move through these changes little by little 🤞

On the bright side 🌞, THANK GOD I don't have to deal with hospital food! 😩 I can finally get back to cooking my meals and because cooking is good therapy for me, and better for my waistline, I'm happy to be back behind the stove. I also don't have any restrictions on how late I'm out, or having to get approval to visit with loved ones. I can stay in bed and not have mandatory check ins and I don't have go running to the nurse every time I need a cough drop or Tylenol. The other nice thing is that I get to choose my company. Like when you're inpatient, you get who comes through the door, good or bad. And although ALL of us in the program were/are dealing with serious issues, whether physical, mental or medical, it's frustrating to be always considered a "patient". Yes, I know I'm a patient, but being in the facility is a constant reminder of that status. Being out here does feel good, but brings it's own set of things to think about.

I think I'll go make some gravy and smashed potatoes to go with that chicken from yesterday, take my meds, turn on some ocean sounds and try and get a good nights sleep 💜