Alone vs. Lonely

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I'm alone, probably for the first time that I can remember. There were times when I had a day or two here and there, but for the most part, I've always had company.

I am alone, but I am not lonely. The craziest part is that I now realize is that the loneliest I've ever felt was when I was in the midst of people who couldn't really see me. People who projected their own ideas of who I should be, how I should act, what I should be interested in and how I should look. It's an extremely lonely experience to have to spend time and space with people who refuse to accept you for who you are and make it their business to let you know that they don't approve of YOU.

Some people who have an invisible disabilities can totally understand what I'm talking about. You could be falling apart inside, in serious pain, nauseous, on the verge of a panic attack at any time - and no one would know. They assume that since you're still going, it can't be that bad.  It's a lonely place to be because sometimes, most times for me, you don't want a pity party or to be coddled. You want it to be acknowledged that you're doing the best that you can in a shitty situation. You want it to be acknowledged that if you could do more, you would. But even the people closest to you can see you struggle and not have a clue what you're going through, no matter how many ways you try and explain it.

There's something about this alone-ness that is giving me back to me. Like, I don't have to explain why I need to go lay down, I just go lay down. I don't have to explain why I need a 30 minute long hot shower to calm my nerves and relax the tension, I just get up and do it. I don't have to explain the things I do that keep me going in spite of feeling like I don't want to do this another day. Being alone reminds me that I don't owe anything to anyone. If I don't have the energy, I don't have to do it.

And it's also amazing how manipulative people can get when you realize that you don't have to do certain things. The guilt trips are quite the roller coaster! Being alone has given me insight that I wouldn't have had otherwise. Generally, I would be thinking, "Okay okay, I should go ahead and do X,Y,Z for so and so, because, you know,  I mean, I have nothing else to do." When I really should be getting my rest and preparing for the things that truly need my energy, like the six or so appointments I have in the next couple weeks. I NEED to go to those appointments, and it takes a lot out of me to go. I truly don't have time for anyone else's issues or problems if all they're going to do is take. I'm so over those kinds of relationships. I had start dealing with some folks with a long handled spoon, can't get too close or they will drain the life force right out of you.

Yesterday I stumbled upon Hilda! And what a joy she brought to me in a dark time of my life. Hilda is the creation of Duane Bryers (1911-2012). A plus sized pin up girl living her best life! She seems to have a strong underground following of devotees who adore her - of which I quickly became a member. I just love her. Not only do I love that she's a plus sized girl, I also love that she's drawn in a way that showcases her personality. She seems like she would be fun, funny and adventurous. I went through the internet to find more pictures and information about the artist and his inspiration for Hilda (I'll just leave this HERE, if you're interested. You can also click the picture at the top of this post.)

She also brought back to me the memories of the girl I once was, the clumsy, awkward, forever young spirit that I've always had. I've had some truly difficult times, no doubt, but I've always been able to maintain this sense of love for life, love for people and just being turned on by learning new things and trying things out. Four years ago, to this very month, every thing turned upside down. And that was the moment the Hilda-girl in me went into hiding. One day I will explain what happened, but for now I will say that I was re traumatized by those who knew the original trauma. I was booby trapped into a confrontation with the original offender and victim shamed because I didn't want to have anything to do with the situation. I was in a minor car accident but it re aggravated the old injuries from a previous major car accident - that I worked YEARS on becoming flexible and mobile. All of this happened within a month, and as much as I tried to hold on, I had a complete emotional, physical and psychological breakdown. So MANY things that I had worked through, so much progress that I made - walking without the cane, losing 100 pounds, being able to get my pain levels down and the infrequent use of psychotropic medications. I was doing so well. My doctor's will tell you that although my life was limited, I was living the best life that I could with what happened to me. And then to have this retraumatization throw me all the way back. It's heartbreaking. I worked so hard to get where I was and where I was wan't anything exciting or anything anyone would envy - but my GOD I was doing stuff!

So looked at Hilda yesterday and I just smiled and laughed. I remember the girl I used to be, even just five years ago. Singing with the top down, taking my hands off the wheel and singing at the top of my lungs! (Don't try this LOL!) Taking long walks, talking to myself, talking to God, screaming at the Universe, praying in nature. Searching for the perfect rocks for my collection. Dancing when I could, dancing in my room like I didn't care. Music so loud and obnoxious (I had very understanding, and loud neighbors!) I felt freer than I had ever felt, and I worked for it. I put in the work, the therapy, the physical therapy, the journaling, the self improvement work, the affirmations - whatever you want to call it - I put in some real deal serious work, and in one month all of it started to unravel.

They tell me I can get back to that place again, and although I was limited in what I could do, it felt so much better than where I am now. EVERYTHING is a struggle. I just want my Hilda-girl back.