The Ultimate Betrayal - Flying Monkeys In the Family

 

The most heartbreaking instance of a narcissist using flying monkeys occurs within a family dynamic. The narcissist often employs triangulation and comparison between family members, typically targeting at least one individual as the scapegoat. I’ve seen situations where one child is scapegoated while the rest of the family acts as flying monkeys for the narcissist. I’ve also witnessed cases where the narcissist convinces the children to become flying monkeys against the other spouse, turning the other parent into the scapegoat. It’s a tragic situation.

Narcissists’ relationships are always transactional. They extract something from every relationship, and if they don’t get anything, they typically won’t continue the connection. Family members become convenient flying monkeys when the target is another family member. It’s a delight for the narcissist to watch everything unfold while monitoring the situation. The narcissist uses the rest of the family as proxies to continually harass, abuse, and violate the target or scapegoated family member. When this abuse is covert, it can appear as regular teasing, with comments like, “Oh, we’re just joking,” or “You’re too sensitive.” But for the target, the abuse feels very intense and heavy. They wonder, “Why am I the only one you do this to?” If the target complains or expresses discomfort, the narcissist has already trained the other family members to dismiss it, reinforcing the idea that the target is overly sensitive and that it’s all just in fun. The target may become emotionally upset or reactive, which is ideal for the narcissist, as it confirms their strong influence over the target. Sometimes, the narcissist will involve other family members in the harassment, encouraging them to laugh, dismiss, or even accuse the target of faking illness or being dramatic. The narcissist’s teachings ensure that even in their absence, the target remains under their control, albeit by proxy.

It’s a heartbreaking situation, indeed. If the narcissist is successful in keeping family matters within the home, it may take years for the family to recognize the dysfunctional dynamic. Often, the scapegoated family member is the one who seeks help, therapy, or information. With subversive and covert abuse, it can take years for someone to even recognize it as abuse. For most of their lives, they might believe, “This is just how my family operates.” The negative messages delivered by the narcissist and reinforced by the flying monkeys are often internalized by the target as truth.

But there is a light that shines in the target, which is precisely why the narcissist is drawn to them. The narcissist can’t stand this light, as their personality type thrives in shadows, observing and learning how to manipulate and gaslight their target. The light in the target is threatening because the narcissist envies it—because they lack it. Narcissists are generally uninteresting people, lacking a spectrum of emotions and the lively, joyful energy that others naturally possess. They often mimic these emotional states to appear normal, learning to laugh, gesture, or move their hands by mirroring others because they need a model to navigate life. Without a real self, the narcissist seeks someone to mimic. The target’s light represents strength, energy, and vitality—qualities the narcissist envies and despises. Targets of narcissistic abuse are often incredibly empathetic, compassionate, loving, nurturing, and supportive. They are the type of people who become the glue holding families, communities, and, ultimately, the world together.

Whenever I write about narcissists, I emphasize that this personality type stitches itself together from qualities it sees in others because it lacks the ability to form genuine emotional bonds. This is why all their relationships are transactional. No matter how adept they are at manipulating situations, they don’t truly feel it. They lack the internal connections that allow us to bond with people, animals, nature, and so forth. This is why they discard people so easily and struggle to understand why others find it difficult to walk away from unfulfilling relationships.

The narcissist shares whatever information is necessary to provoke the flying monkeys into continuing the abuse they observe. The narcissist will lie, exaggerate, and fabricate stories to maintain control over the situation. This creates a powder keg. The light the narcissist envies also has the power of exposure. If the target ever escapes and begins to heal, they can shine a light on the narcissist and the games being played, revealing who the ringleader is. The heartbreaking aspect of this is the other family members involved. There are several roles in this dysfunctional dynamic: some family members comply with the narcissist’s games to avoid becoming targets themselves, even if they don’t agree with the actions. Others may enjoy the abuse and become more menacing than the narcissist, often possessing high levels of narcissistic traits themselves, having been trained by the narcissist.

For the target, it’s impossible to have straightforward feelings about anyone involved. In many of these families, the message is, “Yes, we love you,” while all they do is abuse, gaslight, and lie. There’s no real support or emotional bonding—just manipulation and gaslighting. Yet, the empathetic target can often see the entire situation and may even feel sympathy for the family members who abuse them under the narcissist’s influence. The target may think, “They have no choice; they don’t want to be targeted like I am.” Over time, the target might accept their fate as the family’s sacrificial lamb, believing they deserve this treatment from those who are supposed to love them.

In a family dynamic, the relationship with flying monkeys is incredibly complicated and hurtful. The target may have mixed emotions about their family and seek friendships and relationships outside the family dynamic to create their own chosen family—one made up of friends and possibly extended relatives who aren’t involved with the narcissist or who see the narcissist for who they are. When the target is able to free themselves from that toxic family dynamic, they can look back and grieve, sometimes years later, at how little has changed. Even if the narcissist is long dead, the family may continue falling into those roles until the dynamic is interrupted, disrupted, and dismantled.

Here’s where the target becomes another target: the family only knows how to operate within the established pattern. When the target decides to change the pattern and say, “I’m not playing that role anymore,” the rest of the family doesn’t know what to do. If the narcissist is long gone, they no longer have a captain to give them orders, so they begin to see the target as the problem, once again scapegoating them. This dynamic can be a never-ending merry-go-round unless the target gets clear enough to set boundaries, create safe spaces, and stand up for themselves. Otherwise, they will continually be dragged back into the family dynamic, even unconsciously recreating it with others in an attempt to heal. The target must break the pattern, often requiring no contact or limited contact, whether temporarily or permanently. But the toxic cycle will continue until the target endeavors to stop it. It’s a lot of work.

Breaking free from the toxic cycle of narcissistic abuse is an act of self-preservation and empowerment. It takes courage to set boundaries, seek healing, and reclaim your narrative from the distortions imposed by the narcissist and their flying monkeys. Though the journey may be long, remember that you are defined not by the abuse, but by your resilience and your capacity to love. By healing, you not only liberate yourself but also become a beacon of hope for others. The light the narcissist tried to extinguish is the very light that will guide you—and others—toward a future free from their control.

The Spotlight on Narcissists

 

I’m loathe to talk about narcissists at any length. It’s probably my least favorite subject simply because they get enough attention as it is—or at least, they try. However, the spotlight is on them at this time, so much so that they themselves have begun to make their own YouTube channels, Instagram accounts, and websites, telling you how to spot them! They’re taking advantage of the situation, capitalizing on how interested we are in learning about them. Honestly, I don’t knock the hustle—it seems like everybody is out here trying to find their place in the sun.

I grew up with a parent and a stepparent who were very high in narcissistic traits. Everything fell into place after I started reading about narcissism and those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It started with a young woman on YouTube, who is no longer posting videos, but she was one of the rare ones willing to do the work—to look at her behavior and reflect. She mentioned her mother and how she felt that’s where she learned these narcissistic behaviors. It almost seemed to me that she was questioning whether she actually had the disorder or if she was just repeating what she had experienced through a parent. Both things could be true.

She was almost disturbingly honest about how she felt about other people, the things she would do when she felt jealous or irritated. I appreciated her honesty and her willingness to dig deep into her behavior. She wasn’t like some of these newer folks; she would take her daily walk and do a video journal. Now, this was years ago, so all of this creating thumbnails and hashtags wasn’t part of her deal. She would pull out her cell phone camera and just start recording as she processed what she was learning in therapy and reflected on her interactions with people. She freely admitted that she was jealous of most people and would often seek to undermine their efforts or spoil their good news. When the subject did not revolve around her, she felt left out and unseen, and would make every effort to turn everyone’s attention back to her. She admitted that it was ugly behavior.

This type of narcissistic behavior made sense to me. Growing up with authority figures who behaved in these exact ways helped me to look more deeply into what narcissism was. There are a lot of ideas about what narcissists do, how they do it, why they do it, and their motivations. Growing up so close to an abusive narcissist, and later, a narcissistic stepparent, gave me insight into a mindset that is quite mind-boggling. Because I didn’t understand what was happening, I ended up marrying an abusive covert narcissist.

I also turned to the DSM and started looking at official diagnostic criteria. I found some validation there as well. Most information about narcissism deals with the overt, grandiose narcissist. And although many of us have been exposed to them, I find the covert narcissist to be much more dangerous, simply because most people just looking in from the outside don’t see it. They don’t see the distress that you’re suffering under; as a matter of fact, they may join in the chorus of gaslighting, which makes the covert narcissist very happy and helps them feel validated. Few things turn a narcissist on more than seeing you in distress because of their behavior and convincing everyone that you’re the crazy one. It allows them to continue their abuse unobstructed, to the detriment of your mental and physical health.

Many of these narcissist channels and websites are set up by narcissists pretending to be empaths. If there’s one thing you need to know about a narcissist, it’s that they will do whatever it takes to get the spotlight on them. It’s built into their personality. Some of them are very good at making it seem like they’re the empath, that they are the victim. And if you look at how a narcissist operates, it makes perfect sense that they would accuse others of doing to them what they are doing to others. Projection is a hallmark of the narcissistic personality.

Many books, websites, and YouTube personalities tend to highlight the idea that narcissists are charming, always get their way, and feel superior to other people. This is probably the case for some narcissists. My experience has been varied. I have encountered those grandiose, charming types, but in my experience, narcissists tend to be very uninteresting people. They’re boring, and they’re quickly bored, which is why they like to stir up so much drama. They don’t like themselves; coupled with the fact that they don’t understand people on an emotional or empathetic level and have to mimic behavior in order to be considered “normal,” it’s easy to understand why they don’t particularly like people. They detest how much attention they have to pay to regular people, which is why they devote so much time to getting attention. The makeup of their personality dictates that they be centered in any and every situation; if they’re not, they become bored, agitated, frustrated, and often angry.

Narcissists are miserable people. Despite any peacocking and other grandiose behavior, at their core, they never feel like they fit in. This personality type, instead of working on themselves, will employ manipulation tactics in order to work on others. Their entire existence depends on other people. They don’t know how to act, they don’t know what to do—they have no sense of self. They rely so heavily on people that they end up resenting them. They hate the fact that they need people, yet they crave an audience with the very people they dislike.

Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist will understand that there is no good news, no happy ending; just confusion, gaslighting, and manipulation. The best we can do is arm ourselves with information about those who display high levels of narcissism. We need to understand how they operate so that we can steer clear of further involvement with them. There also needs to be an understanding that narcissists are only interested in people who can do something for them. They don’t pay much attention to basic, regular people. Narcissists want to be special, so they mimic those whom they see getting attention from others—people with natural charisma. Despite what information may be out there, they don’t stalk, harass, or hoover every person they’re involved with. The ones they do hoover, however, are the ones who feed them the best feelings. They tend to gravitate toward emotionally sensitive people because they can get a lot of reaction, a lot of emotional content from highly sensitive people. When a highly sensitive person finally recognizes that they’ve lost themselves in a relationship with a narcissist and tries to leave, it causes emotional damage to the narcissist. This period of their lives, when the significant other wants to break the relationship, is one of the most dangerous times for both people in the relationship.

The more you know, the better prepared you are. If you can recognize the red flags early in a relationship with a narcissist, you can avoid much of the drama that comes from being involved with them, though it’s no guarantee. There are narcissists who border on delusional and will see a connection with you that does not exist or never has existed. Take your time getting to know people, especially those who come on very strong, who want to be friends or in a relationship right away. True enough, there are times when we feel an immediate attraction to people, that they are part of our tribe. Abusive and narcissistic people will always give themselves away. And it doesn’t take long if you’re paying attention.

Pay attention 🚩🚩🚩

The Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys: Tools of Manipulation and Control

 

When a narcissist feels they aren’t able to get the reaction they want directly from you, they often employ proxies—commonly known as “flying monkeys”—to provoke and manipulate you. While the narcissist would prefer to upset you themselves, for various reasons, they may not be able to engage with you directly at that time. Although the supply they receive from your response to the flying monkeys is good, it’s not their ideal scenario.

Flying monkeys are useful idiots to the narcissist, willing to do the narcissist’s bidding for their own reasons. These proxies may be drawn to the narcissist due to their perceived power, influence, or social standing—whether the narcissist is a celebrity or simply a popular figure within their social circle. The narcissist often convinces these individuals that they possess some sort of power or influence, which may or may not be true. To the flying monkeys, being close to the narcissist provides a sense of prestige and importance.

Even though the narcissist views these flying monkeys merely as tools to achieve their goals—stalking, harassing, intimidating, and provoking their target—they are crucial to the narcissist’s schemes. Flying monkeys are also used to gather information about the target, which they relay back to the narcissist. They serve many purposes, especially as potential fall guys for the narcissist’s actions. This allows the narcissist to keep their hands clean and avoid direct involvement, while they pull the strings from a distance.

It’s important to note that despite the flying monkeys’ involvement in these schemes, the narcissist doesn’t truly care about them. They are merely pawns, sacrificial lambs sent out so the narcissist can remain uninvolved. However, flying monkeys often feel special because of the narcissist’s attention, willing to risk their reputations, jobs, or relationships to please this seemingly larger-than-life figure. But make no mistake: the narcissist is only interested in what the flying monkeys can do for them. Once a flying monkey is no longer useful, they are often discarded, a harsh reality for those who believed they had a special connection with the narcissist.

Narcissists are masters at studying people to learn how to behave and interact with the world. There’s a disconnect between individuals with high levels of narcissism and the rest of us, so they spend a lot of time observing and mimicking human behavior. They learn which types of people can provide them with what they need and how to manipulate those individuals to meet their own ends. Even those who aren’t particularly intelligent possess a kind of street smarts and intuition about people, having spent so much time studying human nature. Narcissists only value flying monkeys for their utility. No matter how entrenched the relationship becomes, it is always about how the relationship benefits the narcissist.

For example, if the narcissist’s target has ended a relationship with them, the narcissist may quickly get involved with someone else to provoke jealousy or anger in the ex-partner. Narcissists are always intentional and calculating in their actions, knowing exactly what they want and how to get it. While this ruthless drive is something most people would not admire, it is one trait that others could learn from: the importance of knowing what you want, planning, strategizing, and pursuing your goals relentlessly.

After being discarded, flying monkeys often feel empty and lost. Their time with the narcissist was filled with drama, excitement, and a sense of purpose—however twisted that purpose may have been. Now, it’s all gone, possibly along with their jobs, families, or relationships. Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist for any significant amount of time loses something. Narcissists are thieves on all levels—they may steal your possessions, your significant other, or your job—but what they truly desire is to steal your soul, the essence of who you are. Lacking their own genuine personality, narcissists craft their identities by observing and mimicking others. They craft personas based on what they believe others want, and their entire existence revolves around manipulating people. This makes them some of the most desperate, lonely, and uncreative people on earth, which is why they’re so dangerous—they have nothing of their own and, therefore, nothing to lose.

If you’ve realized that you’ve been a flying monkey to one of these narcissists, consider yourself lucky to have escaped any kind of relationship with them. Unlike the target, there’s little chance of the narcissist trying to reconcile with you. You won’t have to deal with the ongoing drama that the narcissist’s main target experiences. Unless there were significant repercussions from dealing with the narcissist, such as criminal charges, you have the opportunity to move forward and rebuild your life. However, it’s more likely that you’ll find it difficult to let go of the narcissist. You may have become addicted to the lies, drama, and validation from this seemingly important person. If that’s the case, moving on might be more challenging than you think. God help you.

Perhaps The Advice You Got Was Backwards

This post is really a piggyback off of the last one, a little same, a little different. But sometimes the advice you're getting is backwards for your particular situation.

In the last post, I was talking about how sometimes I'll see posts, videos, clips, etc and think that it's not very good advice. Well in the process of me analyzing myself, I realized that sometimes the message is just backwards.

So take for instance the idea "Keep moving, don't ever stop! You'll never get to where you're going if you quit now!" Now for some folks this may be the motivation they need to keep pushing through whatever obstacle they're dealing with. It almost sounds like something you would hear a trainer say to their client in the gym, "Keep pushing!" And it's usually what the client wants and needs to hear, he's paying for someone to push him in that way.

Now, at times that kind of in your face, "tough love" type of "advice" is TOXIC! Especially when dealing with chronic conditions or traumatic situations. Those of us who don't know how we're going to feel one day to the next do not need to keep going, we need to stop and rest at times. I'm not talking about giving up. On the contrary. I'm talking about being smart and taking the time to learn yourself and your body. Find out how much you can do, do that and then rest. If all you do is get up, wash up and go lay back down, then you're good. Don't let those who have no idea what you're dealing with, make you feel bad for not doing more. Because the last thing you want to do is push yourself into a burnout or another flare. It's not worth it. 

In any case, it was just an observation of mine. These days, along with looking at just about everything online with skepticism, I take a little time to contemplate. What is this saying? What does it mean for me; or how am I interpreting it? Do I even care? There is so much information, misinformation and disinformation out in these internet streets that it's hard to tell. Protect your mind and your heart from those sneaky little devils that can become full blown demons if you don't keep your wits about you.

Take it easy!

Alone vs. Lonely

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I'm alone, probably for the first time that I can remember. There were times when I had a day or two here and there, but for the most part, I've always had company.

I am alone, but I am not lonely. The craziest part is that I now realize is that the loneliest I've ever felt was when I was in the midst of people who couldn't really see me. People who projected their own ideas of who I should be, how I should act, what I should be interested in and how I should look. It's an extremely lonely experience to have to spend time and space with people who refuse to accept you for who you are and make it their business to let you know that they don't approve of YOU.

Some people who have an invisible disabilities can totally understand what I'm talking about. You could be falling apart inside, in serious pain, nauseous, on the verge of a panic attack at any time - and no one would know. They assume that since you're still going, it can't be that bad.  It's a lonely place to be because sometimes, most times for me, you don't want a pity party or to be coddled. You want it to be acknowledged that you're doing the best that you can in a shitty situation. You want it to be acknowledged that if you could do more, you would. But even the people closest to you can see you struggle and not have a clue what you're going through, no matter how many ways you try and explain it.

There's something about this alone-ness that is giving me back to me. Like, I don't have to explain why I need to go lay down, I just go lay down. I don't have to explain why I need a 30 minute long hot shower to calm my nerves and relax the tension, I just get up and do it. I don't have to explain the things I do that keep me going in spite of feeling like I don't want to do this another day. Being alone reminds me that I don't owe anything to anyone. If I don't have the energy, I don't have to do it.

And it's also amazing how manipulative people can get when you realize that you don't have to do certain things. The guilt trips are quite the roller coaster! Being alone has given me insight that I wouldn't have had otherwise. Generally, I would be thinking, "Okay okay, I should go ahead and do X,Y,Z for so and so, because, you know,  I mean, I have nothing else to do." When I really should be getting my rest and preparing for the things that truly need my energy, like the six or so appointments I have in the next couple weeks. I NEED to go to those appointments, and it takes a lot out of me to go. I truly don't have time for anyone else's issues or problems if all they're going to do is take. I'm so over those kinds of relationships. I had start dealing with some folks with a long handled spoon, can't get too close or they will drain the life force right out of you.

Yesterday I stumbled upon Hilda! And what a joy she brought to me in a dark time of my life. Hilda is the creation of Duane Bryers (1911-2012). A plus sized pin up girl living her best life! She seems to have a strong underground following of devotees who adore her - of which I quickly became a member. I just love her. Not only do I love that she's a plus sized girl, I also love that she's drawn in a way that showcases her personality. She seems like she would be fun, funny and adventurous. I went through the internet to find more pictures and information about the artist and his inspiration for Hilda (I'll just leave this HERE, if you're interested. You can also click the picture at the top of this post.)

She also brought back to me the memories of the girl I once was, the clumsy, awkward, forever young spirit that I've always had. I've had some truly difficult times, no doubt, but I've always been able to maintain this sense of love for life, love for people and just being turned on by learning new things and trying things out. Four years ago, to this very month, every thing turned upside down. And that was the moment the Hilda-girl in me went into hiding. One day I will explain what happened, but for now I will say that I was re traumatized by those who knew the original trauma. I was booby trapped into a confrontation with the original offender and victim shamed because I didn't want to have anything to do with the situation. I was in a minor car accident but it re aggravated the old injuries from a previous major car accident - that I worked YEARS on becoming flexible and mobile. All of this happened within a month, and as much as I tried to hold on, I had a complete emotional, physical and psychological breakdown. So MANY things that I had worked through, so much progress that I made - walking without the cane, losing 100 pounds, being able to get my pain levels down and the infrequent use of psychotropic medications. I was doing so well. My doctor's will tell you that although my life was limited, I was living the best life that I could with what happened to me. And then to have this retraumatization throw me all the way back. It's heartbreaking. I worked so hard to get where I was and where I was wan't anything exciting or anything anyone would envy - but my GOD I was doing stuff!

So looked at Hilda yesterday and I just smiled and laughed. I remember the girl I used to be, even just five years ago. Singing with the top down, taking my hands off the wheel and singing at the top of my lungs! (Don't try this LOL!) Taking long walks, talking to myself, talking to God, screaming at the Universe, praying in nature. Searching for the perfect rocks for my collection. Dancing when I could, dancing in my room like I didn't care. Music so loud and obnoxious (I had very understanding, and loud neighbors!) I felt freer than I had ever felt, and I worked for it. I put in the work, the therapy, the physical therapy, the journaling, the self improvement work, the affirmations - whatever you want to call it - I put in some real deal serious work, and in one month all of it started to unravel.

They tell me I can get back to that place again, and although I was limited in what I could do, it felt so much better than where I am now. EVERYTHING is a struggle. I just want my Hilda-girl back.

My New Living Situation #HotelLife

About five years ago, I was on the phone chatting with a childhood friend. He was working in the kitchen at a four star hotel, and was telling me about it. As he was talking, I told him that I think it would be fun to live in a hotel. Just one payment, no utilities or any repairs or other complications. I was really just joking at the time, until he said, "Sure, plenty of people live in hotels."

He told me about a woman that had lived in the hotel for a couple of years and I thought it was a genius idea! So for almost five years I had dreams of hotel living. I did some research on it after I got off the phone with him. I read about people's experiences; making the change from renting to living in a hotel, comparing rates, and looking at what kind of accommodations I needed and wanted. I figured that after my youngest child had gone off to college, I would get rid of most of my stuff, put the rest in storage and start hotel living. I didn't know where I wanted to settle, but I figured I could do extended stays in the places I wanted to visit, and then decide if I wanted to stay in the area.

Fast forward a few years and I'm being asked by the doctors what my discharge plan is, where I am planning to go so they can set me up with the right treatment team as I move from inpatient to outpatient care. I really liked the hospital and providers that I had, but I didn't see myself living in the area. I didn't want to commit to a year long contract in an area I really wasn't excited about. I was conflicted though because I liked my treatment team, and that's saying a lot considering it's a VA hospital.

I've had almost two decades dealing with the VA hospital and have had some really good doctors here and there. But it wasn't until I got to this facility that I felt like my needs were being addressed. I had some wonderful nurses and some great doctors during my inpatient stay. I was able to meet with some of the outpatient providers before I was released and was very happy with the team - but not so much with the town.

I was sharing this conflict with someone and they mentioned doing an extended stay at a hotel, and a light went on!  As soon as they mentioned it, I knew that's what I wanted to do. So I found an extended stay in my price range - it's a suite with a little kitchenette and daily breakfast. I'm close enough to walk to the stores I need to get to and for the first time, in 47 years, I live on my own.

Probably sounds odd, but I was a middle child, so I generally shared a room with someone. I moved from home and in with a roommate. Then I joined the Army and had ALL the roommates. Then I got married and had some kids. Then I had a breakdown and into the hospital with some other patients. Moving in here, was really a new chapter for me.

It's weird living alone. I like it, but it's very different. Until now, there has never been a time when I have been able to close the door, lock it and know for certain I wasn't going to be bothered! At some point, having a husband, kids, parents and/or animals - someone or something is coming knocking or scratching on the door needing something. I mean, it's really a different feeling knowing that if I don't want to be bothered, I wont be.

I suppose there's a small part of me that misses knowing that someone downstairs, or down the hall will need me at some point. I think when you've lived your life as THE Caretaker, you don't know where you fit when you're not taking care of someone

I know it's time to take care of me. This is a difficult change because I'm so used to diverting attention away from me. I don't want to be a burden or come across as a complainer or a victim. The last thing I want is a pity party or to be sitting around here feeling sorry for myself. However, in order to heal, I must be able to admit that some very real things happened and I have to allow myself to grieve for what I have been through. Trying to throw a band-aid on it and soldier through isn't working anymore. And if I'm truthful, it NEVER worked.

All this freedom is nice and all and I like it. Everything is where I left it and if I can't find something I only have myself to blame! I'm so used to blaming everything on the kids so I didn't have to take a look at my own absentmindedness! 😄 Although it's kind of scary at times. I had a really long panic attack the other day and I got scared. I mean, although I tend to want to be alone when I have them, I'll put myself in my room or in the shower. But there's usually someone around, even if they aren't right there with me. So there's has been the comfort that if I needed someone to hold on to or to help distract me, all I had to do was reach out. Now that I'm living away from home, in order to be closer to treatment, I'm going through an adjustment period. It's probably a good time to put in my application for a service dog.

Amazon helps though! This hotel suite is cute and all, but there's no oven - so I had Amazon send me a new convection oven and I love it! I've made a chocolate cake, roasted some chicken and veggies and made pizza. Now I'm waiting for a nice, bright throw for the bed and a multicolored rug for the kitchen floor. Just something to brighten up the place and make it feel cozy. Moving through this trauma treatment is really intense, I really want a place to come back to that feels like a sanctuary. Nice colors, soft music, sweet scented plugins. A little piece of home away from home.

I'm All Out Of Spoons Today

This day started off worse than it ended, so I'm glad I didn't give up. I saw it through, even though I didn't want to. And I'm especially glad to be home!

My current living situation makes it difficult to get around on public transportation. I haven't driven a car in over two years so I'm either walking, taking a cab or bumming a ride. Today was my first day, since being out of the hospital that I had to do some real deal travel. They switched all my inpatient providers to their outpatient providers, so I had to be there. I woke up this morning, so I could get there early and grab the Occupational Therapy class but I wasn't able to make it. Turns out that unless you schedule your cab rides SUPER EARLY, you can forget about getting a ride in a reasonable time. I was so stressed and pissed off this morning, cause I thought I was doing the right thing, calling early, being ready and so forth. I finally did get a cab, two hours later and was able to make the bus over to the hospital.

First thing I did was go and follow up with O.T. to make sure they didn't have me down as a no show. Thankfully they're very understanding about my situation. Hopefully if this paratransit thing works out I'll be able to be real consistent. Plus O.T. is very important to help with my quality of life now that everything has changed. I don't want to let any of these services slip through the cracks.

I met my new prescribing provider today, which was very nice. She's a Nurse Practitioner, and honestly I didn't even know they could prescribe meds. I really like her, she really spent her time getting to know me, what I was hoping to accomplish as a whole person. She wanted to know what was going on all around me so that she could understand my "medication" quirks. See I don't like taking a whole lot of medication. I like to take what's necessary for the situation and move through the rest of it. Mainly I like to use food, exercise, stretching, music, journaling, vitamin supplements and a steady routine to keep myself in order. So once I was able to share all of that, she got a good idea about who I am as a patient. Plus she had the opportunity to go over my inpatient notes and talk with my Trauma Therapist. She was very open minded and non judgmental, and let me tell you something, that's very rare - especially for those of us who have seen doctor after doctor after doctor.

I did get a chance to drop by Horticultural Therapy for a few hours. I just love it in the greenhouse. And because the woman who runs the program actually needs help, especially now with all the cultivation and planting that needs to be done outside, I feel so useful. Because I've been there as long as I have, she let's me pick my projects, and that's the best. There are so many neglected plants that I've been able to save from the brink of despair! Some of those things are so root bound and just need a bigger pot to stretch out in. Some of the other plants you can tell other patients just put all together in one pot and the result, six months later is a mess, if it's still alive! So I've been able to clean up some plants, transplant, propagate, start from seed and divide some old messy plants. I spent the last month transplanting seedlings, so I'm glad to be back in the greenhouse, rescuing the struggle plants. The reason it's so important is that for every week a patient attends Horticultural Therapy, they are allowed to take a plant back to their room to enjoy. And if you've been in the hospital for a week or more, you know how sterile, boring and cold those rooms can feel. So it feels good to beautify these plants, knowing that somewhere down the road, someone will receive a little piece of joy having that plant in their windowsill. I know it made a world of difference for me 🌱

I was lucky to find a ride home, and I have to tell you, since I didn't eat anything all day I was starving. So I threw a microwave pizza in for three minutes. I laid across the bed because I was in so much pain. I figured I'd take some pain medicine with that pizza and grab me a shower. I was so tired from all that running around that within that three minutes, I passed out. I woke up an hour an a half later with my shoes on and a cold pizza in the microwave. I ate it anyway. So I'm fixin' to hop in this shower, take my meds and try and find something to watch on YouTube. I don't watch too much regular TV, except for The Blacklist. Man, I love that show. Other than that I'm falling down the rabbit hole of cat videos and alternative lifestyle documentaries. One thing's for sure, I'm gonna sleep good tonight! I'm really looking to tomorrow because I ordered some stuff from Amazon, and "now every time I go for the mailbox, gotta hold myself down. 'Cause I just can't wait 'til you write me you're coming around...." Woo hoo! Can't wait! LOL! 👍💃💃💃

The biggest lesson I've learned

Spending so much time as an inpatient taught me a lot. But mainly it taught me how and when to ask for help. I've never been the type to ask for accommodations, even when I really needed them. I always felt like I was bothering people, or perhaps I wasn't trying hard enough.

It may sound odd, but until I was in this facility, I didn't know how to ask for help without feeling guilty. I had to learn to ask for time alone, I needed space to accommodate my panic attacks and meltdowns. Look, I'm not the type of person who likes everyone staring at her while she's having a nervous breakdown. I don't want sympathy, I don't want attention, and I definitely don't want your pity. All I want to do is take my meds and get to a safe space until I can calm down and pull myself together. I've been having panic attacks for so long that I really do understand that I am not going to die or have a heart attack - although it feels that way sometimes. I've had them so long that I know I'm not going to vomit all over the place, although I do at times. I've had them so long that I know the shakes won't last forever, although sometimes I need to go to the emergency room to get shot to stop the process. But I've dealt with this so long, I do have safety measures in place.

Problem is with me is that I wait too long to get things taken care of. I don't take my meds when I should. I tend to wait too long, thinking that I can handle it. It's difficult to get out of that mode, especially when you were raised with parents that emphasized "tough love" and the need to just keep on keepin' on no matter what. There wasn't an abundance on compassion in my family, so you just didn't talk about it, let alone complain about it. You didn't ask for help. More importantly, you didn't know how to ask for help.

I'm a Hillbilly, raised in a small town, so we didn't discuss mental illness, or any of those things. Hell we didn't even have the vocabulary for the things that me and most of my friends experienced. I've had friends who experienced horrendous abuse. Who suffered with conditions, that we couldn't name at the time - but thanks to the internet, I have found out that this one had anorexia, this other one bulimia - another, major childhood abuse, and still another Trichotillomania. We never knew what these things were called. We really didn't ask questions. We accepted our friends for who they were, warts and all. I remember sitting in the yard with my friend who had Trichotillomania. She had pulled out all the hair in the top of her head, her eyebrows, her legs, everywhere she had hair - except for the back of her head. She kept enough hair so that when she wore a baseball cap, she had some hair hanging down. As we were sitting there, she wanted to start pulling the hair out of my arms and legs. We just laughed at the time. I cry, I seriously cry for that moment right now. She had pulled all the hair she could from herself and wanted to try on someone else. I doubt she would have gotten the same "release" she was looking for by taking out my hair. But the thought that she was so traumatized that she needed to pull her hair out to deal with the pain is devastating to me as an adult, and as a parent 💔

Living in a small town, you didn't ask for help because if you did, that meant that other people would know what was going on in your household. And God FORBID the townsfolk, churchfolks or school system know what was really going on. We all kept our mouths closed, except for the closest of friends. And sometimes, even if you did tell someone, they wouldn't believe you. You were a "problem child" and couldn't be trusted. I pray that reporting abuse is easier now than it was then. But I also know that when you're in it, you're never sure exactly what's the right thing to do. And so if you're in a situation where you see no way out, no one to turn to and no one who will believe in you - just know that I am holding you in prayers that you will find a way through and a way out 🙏

Today I got the opportunity to go to Walmart, and I'm so glad that I did. It wasn't an easy trip, but it was definitely worth it. I'll explain my living situation here in another post, but suffice it to say that I'm so glad I was able to get out and do something without having to walk there and back. It was nice. I made shrimp scampi for dinner, glass of white wine and a couple shots of whiskey. I'm gonna find a movie here to watch and do some stretching exercises to help with the pain. Maybe I'll watch Special on Netflix and see what the hype is about! #DisabilityTwitter seems to like it alot!

The Beginning

Well I was released from the hospital three days ago and it's the start of a new chapter. I knew I was going in for quite some time and I'm grateful for the treatment I received. It was comprehensive and targeted to what my issues were/are. Which is quite a switch from the doctors that I had been seeing in years past. But going through PTSD treatment is extremely intense and disorientating. I was told at the start that I should expect things to get worse before they get better. This was an understatement. After talking to other patients who had gone through similar treatments - some who had dropped out - I realized that I was dealing with things that wouldn't just disappear. I wont go into the whole history of the trauma I endured, only to say that I had been re-traumatized in 2016. And I thought I was managing all right by myself, until it got to a place where I didn't want to leave the house. I stopped doing the things that kept me balanced and steady and the panic attacks increased to several times a day. I needed help and I finally, after two years of trying to manage on my own, I broke down and sought out a treatment program.

The only thing that I can say after being out for a few days is that, I really thought I would be feeling better. You know, you go into a treatment center for five and a half months, you kind of expect to be doing better. So I'm a bit disappointed in myself that I wasn't able to see the gains that I wanted to see. My therapist, trauma counselor and medical doctor all agree that I'm moving in the right direction, and assure me that things will get better. But I have to say, although I believe that these professionals know what they are talking about - I feel cruddy 😕

I had to stop driving over two years ago because of the panic and travel is really difficult for me right now. And yet in order to continue with outpatient treatment and other therapies, I'm going to have to travel to and from the hospital two or three times a week - on public transportation no less. This starts this coming Monday and I am not looking forward to it. I may take an Uber or something, but that's going to get expensive really quick. I put in my application for paratransit, and hopefully that goes through. It will give me the ability to be picked up and dropped off door to door with minimal drama. Fingers crossed that things get approved and I can start to move through these changes little by little 🤞

On the bright side 🌞, THANK GOD I don't have to deal with hospital food! 😩 I can finally get back to cooking my meals and because cooking is good therapy for me, and better for my waistline, I'm happy to be back behind the stove. I also don't have any restrictions on how late I'm out, or having to get approval to visit with loved ones. I can stay in bed and not have mandatory check ins and I don't have go running to the nurse every time I need a cough drop or Tylenol. The other nice thing is that I get to choose my company. Like when you're inpatient, you get who comes through the door, good or bad. And although ALL of us in the program were/are dealing with serious issues, whether physical, mental or medical, it's frustrating to be always considered a "patient". Yes, I know I'm a patient, but being in the facility is a constant reminder of that status. Being out here does feel good, but brings it's own set of things to think about.

I think I'll go make some gravy and smashed potatoes to go with that chicken from yesterday, take my meds, turn on some ocean sounds and try and get a good nights sleep 💜