Performative Femininity vs. The Divine Feminine

 

There’s a lot of content out there—ideas, vlogs, podcasts—talking about feminine energy. You’ll find YouTube channels popping up with both women and men discussing what it means to embody feminine energy. It can be overwhelming, and there’s quite a bit of misinformation floating around.

Part of the problem is that we’re socialized to compare and compete. In the collective conversation on feminine energy, this has turned into women competing over who is more “feminine.” You also see men sharing their opinions on what they think defines feminine energy in a woman. Honestly, I’m starting to find the whole conversation a bit ridiculous.

Just like I wake up every morning as a woman, I also wake up with feminine energy. In fact, we all do—men and women alike. It’s part of our energetic makeup, just present in different quantities in each person. The same is true for masculine energy.

Where I think the conversation has gone off track is that many people focus on shallow characteristics. What’s being discussed is “performative femininity,” which involves outward expressions like wearing makeup, dresses, or getting dolled up. While fun and attention-grabbing, these things aren’t exclusively feminine—we know this because men can also participate in these behaviors for the same reasons.

Currently, there’s a cultural obsession with a certain look as the “feminine ideal.” I find the idea of defining feminine energy this way unsettling. The expression of feminine energy is so much deeper, richer, and more complex than how it’s portrayed on social media.

Anyone can put on a wig, beat their face, slip into a tight dress, grab a Gucci bag, and throw on red bottoms for some Instagram selfies. But this does not capture the true essence of feminine energy.

A better way to explain masculine and feminine energies is to recognize that we need both for the world to function. Masculine energy is active—ambitious, competitive, and striving. Feminine energy is more passive—focused on relationships, harmony, and nurturing. Even these definitions are limiting because masculine and feminine energies exist on a spectrum. If we wanted to dive deeper into feminine energy, we would explore both the creative and destructive sides of the divine feminine.

Feminine energy is about yielding, acquiescing, and reflecting. It’s quiet, thoughtful, nurturing, and supportive, often compared to the ocean. In calm waters, you can float and be carried effortlessly. But feminine energy can also be wild and untamed—deep, powerful, and sometimes destructive.

What I see on social media is an attempt to put feminine energy in a box—to define it, give it a specific image, and encourage women to fit into that mold. Ironically, trying to contain or label feminine energy is a very masculine thing to do. Even those so-called “feminine energy coaches“ who promote a certain feminine ideal are operating in masculine ideas of what femininity should be.

True feminine energy is not something you can label or put in a box. It’s creative, chaotic, and fluid. When masculine and feminine energies work together harmoniously, new worlds are formed, new life is created.

Feminine energy doesn’t have a specific look; it has a feeling. It isn’t exclusive to one gender or even to humans. The current conversations around what feminine energy is or isn’t often create more confusion than clarity.

For both men and women, to connect with your feminine energy, sit still. Breathe deeply. Let your thoughts and feelings simply exist without trying to understand or control them. If you can relax into that state, you’ve tapped into the essence of feminine energy. By meditating and connecting with it more often, you may notice heightened intuition, smoother relationships, and deeper insights into yourself and those around you. Through this awareness, you can begin to create more depth and love in your life. It’s all very natural, normal. Don’t complicate it. 

Greed Knows No Limit

 

Imagine sitting with three friends, all hungry and complaining that there’s nothing to eat. So, you decide to take whatever is left in the refrigerator and whip up a meal for them. You place it in front of them, and they gobble it up. But when you come back to the table, they’re clearly full, yet still look so dissatisfied. You ask them what’s wrong, and they start complaining about the quality of the food, the temperature, and even wonder why there wasn’t any dessert.

Now, I don’t know about you, but at that point, I’d pack up whatever I had left and carry myself back home. For greedy people, nothing is ever enough. You could give them the clothes off your back, food from your own kitchen, money from your own pocket—you could build them an entire house—and it still wouldn’t be enough.

It’s important to recognize people with a greedy spirit. They are what many refer to as “energy vampires.” At first, you might think, “What did I do wrong here?” But after dealing with them for a while, you realize you can never do enough. Even when you provide exactly what they lack, they’ll still find something to complain about. Whether they realize it or not, greed tests how much it can drain from a situation. If you walk away, they might feel a certain way, but more often than not, they’ll just wait for the next person with a good heart to come along and try to help them.

Some greedy people have mastered this game. Some have made a living by making others feel guilty for not doing enough. You can see this dynamic in some marriages and family relationships, where one person constantly uses guilt to make others cater to their needs. And no matter how much is done for them, they always want more. That’s what we mean when we say someone is “spoiled rotten.”

Greedy people are toxic, whether they’re aware of it or not. Sometimes greed runs so deep in families that it gets passed down through generations. It can be so subtle that even if you point it out, they’ll be shocked that you think that way. They may claim they have “high standards” or “high expectations,” and there’s nothing wrong with that. Having high standards is great, but greedy people have impossible standards—nothing is ever enough.

Once you recognize you’re dealing with someone who has a greedy spirit, it’s easy to address the situation—unless, of course, you’re married to them or share a close family connection. If you’re dealing with greedy coworkers, friends, or neighbors, you can simply stop providing whatever it is they’re taking from you. There’s no need to feel guilty about not doing enough or about their lack of appreciation. You get to decide how much or how little you want to do for others.

In deeply personal relationships, however, the dynamic is more complex. You may want to maintain some connection, but feel drained by their constant “needs.” In such cases, seeking counseling on how to set boundaries and, most importantly, releasing yourself from the guilt of doing what’s best for you is essential.

Being a generous person is a beautiful thing, and the world needs people who can express generosity safely. The challenge for those with generous hearts is learning when and where to give, how much is appropriate, and when to stop.

The Ultimate Betrayal - Flying Monkeys In the Family

 

The most heartbreaking instance of a narcissist using flying monkeys occurs within a family dynamic. The narcissist often employs triangulation and comparison between family members, typically targeting at least one individual as the scapegoat. I’ve seen situations where one child is scapegoated while the rest of the family acts as flying monkeys for the narcissist. I’ve also witnessed cases where the narcissist convinces the children to become flying monkeys against the other spouse, turning the other parent into the scapegoat. It’s a tragic situation.

Narcissists’ relationships are always transactional. They extract something from every relationship, and if they don’t get anything, they typically won’t continue the connection. Family members become convenient flying monkeys when the target is another family member. It’s a delight for the narcissist to watch everything unfold while monitoring the situation. The narcissist uses the rest of the family as proxies to continually harass, abuse, and violate the target or scapegoated family member. When this abuse is covert, it can appear as regular teasing, with comments like, “Oh, we’re just joking,” or “You’re too sensitive.” But for the target, the abuse feels very intense and heavy. They wonder, “Why am I the only one you do this to?” If the target complains or expresses discomfort, the narcissist has already trained the other family members to dismiss it, reinforcing the idea that the target is overly sensitive and that it’s all just in fun. The target may become emotionally upset or reactive, which is ideal for the narcissist, as it confirms their strong influence over the target. Sometimes, the narcissist will involve other family members in the harassment, encouraging them to laugh, dismiss, or even accuse the target of faking illness or being dramatic. The narcissist’s teachings ensure that even in their absence, the target remains under their control, albeit by proxy.

It’s a heartbreaking situation, indeed. If the narcissist is successful in keeping family matters within the home, it may take years for the family to recognize the dysfunctional dynamic. Often, the scapegoated family member is the one who seeks help, therapy, or information. With subversive and covert abuse, it can take years for someone to even recognize it as abuse. For most of their lives, they might believe, “This is just how my family operates.” The negative messages delivered by the narcissist and reinforced by the flying monkeys are often internalized by the target as truth.

But there is a light that shines in the target, which is precisely why the narcissist is drawn to them. The narcissist can’t stand this light, as their personality type thrives in shadows, observing and learning how to manipulate and gaslight their target. The light in the target is threatening because the narcissist envies it—because they lack it. Narcissists are generally uninteresting people, lacking a spectrum of emotions and the lively, joyful energy that others naturally possess. They often mimic these emotional states to appear normal, learning to laugh, gesture, or move their hands by mirroring others because they need a model to navigate life. Without a real self, the narcissist seeks someone to mimic. The target’s light represents strength, energy, and vitality—qualities the narcissist envies and despises. Targets of narcissistic abuse are often incredibly empathetic, compassionate, loving, nurturing, and supportive. They are the type of people who become the glue holding families, communities, and, ultimately, the world together.

Whenever I write about narcissists, I emphasize that this personality type stitches itself together from qualities it sees in others because it lacks the ability to form genuine emotional bonds. This is why all their relationships are transactional. No matter how adept they are at manipulating situations, they don’t truly feel it. They lack the internal connections that allow us to bond with people, animals, nature, and so forth. This is why they discard people so easily and struggle to understand why others find it difficult to walk away from unfulfilling relationships.

The narcissist shares whatever information is necessary to provoke the flying monkeys into continuing the abuse they observe. The narcissist will lie, exaggerate, and fabricate stories to maintain control over the situation. This creates a powder keg. The light the narcissist envies also has the power of exposure. If the target ever escapes and begins to heal, they can shine a light on the narcissist and the games being played, revealing who the ringleader is. The heartbreaking aspect of this is the other family members involved. There are several roles in this dysfunctional dynamic: some family members comply with the narcissist’s games to avoid becoming targets themselves, even if they don’t agree with the actions. Others may enjoy the abuse and become more menacing than the narcissist, often possessing high levels of narcissistic traits themselves, having been trained by the narcissist.

For the target, it’s impossible to have straightforward feelings about anyone involved. In many of these families, the message is, “Yes, we love you,” while all they do is abuse, gaslight, and lie. There’s no real support or emotional bonding—just manipulation and gaslighting. Yet, the empathetic target can often see the entire situation and may even feel sympathy for the family members who abuse them under the narcissist’s influence. The target may think, “They have no choice; they don’t want to be targeted like I am.” Over time, the target might accept their fate as the family’s sacrificial lamb, believing they deserve this treatment from those who are supposed to love them.

In a family dynamic, the relationship with flying monkeys is incredibly complicated and hurtful. The target may have mixed emotions about their family and seek friendships and relationships outside the family dynamic to create their own chosen family—one made up of friends and possibly extended relatives who aren’t involved with the narcissist or who see the narcissist for who they are. When the target is able to free themselves from that toxic family dynamic, they can look back and grieve, sometimes years later, at how little has changed. Even if the narcissist is long dead, the family may continue falling into those roles until the dynamic is interrupted, disrupted, and dismantled.

Here’s where the target becomes another target: the family only knows how to operate within the established pattern. When the target decides to change the pattern and say, “I’m not playing that role anymore,” the rest of the family doesn’t know what to do. If the narcissist is long gone, they no longer have a captain to give them orders, so they begin to see the target as the problem, once again scapegoating them. This dynamic can be a never-ending merry-go-round unless the target gets clear enough to set boundaries, create safe spaces, and stand up for themselves. Otherwise, they will continually be dragged back into the family dynamic, even unconsciously recreating it with others in an attempt to heal. The target must break the pattern, often requiring no contact or limited contact, whether temporarily or permanently. But the toxic cycle will continue until the target endeavors to stop it. It’s a lot of work.

Breaking free from the toxic cycle of narcissistic abuse is an act of self-preservation and empowerment. It takes courage to set boundaries, seek healing, and reclaim your narrative from the distortions imposed by the narcissist and their flying monkeys. Though the journey may be long, remember that you are defined not by the abuse, but by your resilience and your capacity to love. By healing, you not only liberate yourself but also become a beacon of hope for others. The light the narcissist tried to extinguish is the very light that will guide you—and others—toward a future free from their control.