Performative Femininity vs. The Divine Feminine

 

There’s a lot of content out there—ideas, vlogs, podcasts—talking about feminine energy. You’ll find YouTube channels popping up with both women and men discussing what it means to embody feminine energy. It can be overwhelming, and there’s quite a bit of misinformation floating around.

Part of the problem is that we’re socialized to compare and compete. In the collective conversation on feminine energy, this has turned into women competing over who is more “feminine.” You also see men sharing their opinions on what they think defines feminine energy in a woman. Honestly, I’m starting to find the whole conversation a bit ridiculous.

Just like I wake up every morning as a woman, I also wake up with feminine energy. In fact, we all do—men and women alike. It’s part of our energetic makeup, just present in different quantities in each person. The same is true for masculine energy.

Where I think the conversation has gone off track is that many people focus on shallow characteristics. What’s being discussed is “performative femininity,” which involves outward expressions like wearing makeup, dresses, or getting dolled up. While fun and attention-grabbing, these things aren’t exclusively feminine—we know this because men can also participate in these behaviors for the same reasons.

Currently, there’s a cultural obsession with a certain look as the “feminine ideal.” I find the idea of defining feminine energy this way unsettling. The expression of feminine energy is so much deeper, richer, and more complex than how it’s portrayed on social media.

Anyone can put on a wig, beat their face, slip into a tight dress, grab a Gucci bag, and throw on red bottoms for some Instagram selfies. But this does not capture the true essence of feminine energy.

A better way to explain masculine and feminine energies is to recognize that we need both for the world to function. Masculine energy is active—ambitious, competitive, and striving. Feminine energy is more passive—focused on relationships, harmony, and nurturing. Even these definitions are limiting because masculine and feminine energies exist on a spectrum. If we wanted to dive deeper into feminine energy, we would explore both the creative and destructive sides of the divine feminine.

Feminine energy is about yielding, acquiescing, and reflecting. It’s quiet, thoughtful, nurturing, and supportive, often compared to the ocean. In calm waters, you can float and be carried effortlessly. But feminine energy can also be wild and untamed—deep, powerful, and sometimes destructive.

What I see on social media is an attempt to put feminine energy in a box—to define it, give it a specific image, and encourage women to fit into that mold. Ironically, trying to contain or label feminine energy is a very masculine thing to do. Even those so-called “feminine energy coaches“ who promote a certain feminine ideal are operating in masculine ideas of what femininity should be.

True feminine energy is not something you can label or put in a box. It’s creative, chaotic, and fluid. When masculine and feminine energies work together harmoniously, new worlds are formed, new life is created.

Feminine energy doesn’t have a specific look; it has a feeling. It isn’t exclusive to one gender or even to humans. The current conversations around what feminine energy is or isn’t often create more confusion than clarity.

For both men and women, to connect with your feminine energy, sit still. Breathe deeply. Let your thoughts and feelings simply exist without trying to understand or control them. If you can relax into that state, you’ve tapped into the essence of feminine energy. By meditating and connecting with it more often, you may notice heightened intuition, smoother relationships, and deeper insights into yourself and those around you. Through this awareness, you can begin to create more depth and love in your life. It’s all very natural, normal. Don’t complicate it. 

The Sympathy Olympics

 

Recently, I was in my room, getting ready to eat dinner, when someone came in and closed the door behind them. They said they wanted to talk, and then started telling me about how people have problems—problems you may not see because they come to work with a smile on their face and don’t share everything they’re going through. She told me that I might think people wouldn’t understand what I’m going through, but that they do, because they’re dealing with things too. I was really confused. I had no idea what she was talking about. She continued talking about other people’s problems, including her own, saying she has issues but still comes to work, smiles, and does her job.

After five or six minutes of this, I stopped her and said that I understood people have problems. I’m in the hospital, surrounded by people on two floors who are all dealing with problems—people with varying levels of abilities. Some are paralyzed, some are amputees, some have organ issues, or different mental disabilities—you name it. And I’ve been here since 2023, working on my own issues and challenges. So I told her I didn’t understand why she felt the need to tell me that I needed to be mindful of other people’s problems. Then I asked her directly, “Why are you telling me this? What did I do or say that made you think I wasn’t sensitive or empathetic to other people’s problems?”

She didn’t have an answer. She wouldn’t explain why she felt the need to have this conversation with me. Then she switched it up, saying that she was telling me all of that because she knew I would understand—because of what I’m going through—and that she felt comfortable talking to me.

That was a couple of days ago, and it still sits with me strangely. It takes me back to all the times when I’ve been dealing with my own issues, and for some reason, someone takes issue with me taking care of myself. Subtly, I’m told I’m being selfish for looking after my own health and well-being, that I need to be more considerate and remember that other people have problems too. It’s such an awful conversation to have with someone who’s literally an inpatient at a hospital with major limitations.

It’s crazy how some people will find anything to compete with others about. I’ve heard this called the “Sympathy Olympics.” It’s when you’re going through a hard time or dealing with an illness, and instead of offering help or a listening ear, the person tries to “one-up” you with details of their own problems. If you stub your toe, they broke theirs. If you lost a dollar, they lost ten. It turns into this sick game where they feel the need to outdo your struggles, as if being sicker or more injured makes them somehow “better.”

Don’t get me wrong—this happens in all areas of life. These envious, competitive people will have secret competitions with you in their minds. You may not even know what’s going on, but for them, they’re watching you and feel competitive for some reason. What surprised me most was that this happened based on my injuries and disabilities. Who wants to win the “I’ve got it worse than you” competition?

Personally, I think it’s bizarre. There’s never a time or place where I’d want to compete on such a dysfunctional level. What’s even worse is the underlying message when people do this—they’re telling you that you’re not important, that what you’re going through isn’t important. They minimize your experience and place their problems on top of yours, just to keep you humble and remind you that everything isn’t always about you. They might think they’re knocking you down a peg, without realizing you weren’t even thinking that way to begin with.

This brings me back to one of the most important quotes I’ve heard in the past five years. I don’t know who said it, but I saw it on Instagram a while ago: “The first thing you need to know about me is that I am not you. A lot more will make sense after that.” When she told me I needed to be more mindful of other people’s problems, I immediately thought, “This has nothing to do with me.” And because that was my first thought, I quickly became irritated.

It’s really hurtful when people make up their own narrative about you, choose to believe it, and then spread it to others. That kind of mind-reading and storytelling causes so much misunderstanding and unnecessary drama. Unfortunately, I will always be on alert when dealing with this person now. I’ll always question what they’re really saying. It’s disappointing, especially when you kind of like the person.

But I’ve learned my lesson. There comes a time when you have to start paying attention to what people are doing the first time around. Their behavior will always tell you more than their words ever could. It’s true for me, and I believe it’s true for many people: we don’t want to think the worst of others. We want to believe they didn’t mean it, or maybe they were just having a bad day. And all of that can be true. But there are certain things people do that you don’t need to see a second time—abusive actions, manipulative behaviors, people who minimize your experiences, or those who use what they know about you to hurt you. These people don’t deserve second chances. You should care about yourself too much to allow those types of people near your heart. 

Greed Knows No Limit

 

Imagine sitting with three friends, all hungry and complaining that there’s nothing to eat. So, you decide to take whatever is left in the refrigerator and whip up a meal for them. You place it in front of them, and they gobble it up. But when you come back to the table, they’re clearly full, yet still look so dissatisfied. You ask them what’s wrong, and they start complaining about the quality of the food, the temperature, and even wonder why there wasn’t any dessert.

Now, I don’t know about you, but at that point, I’d pack up whatever I had left and carry myself back home. For greedy people, nothing is ever enough. You could give them the clothes off your back, food from your own kitchen, money from your own pocket—you could build them an entire house—and it still wouldn’t be enough.

It’s important to recognize people with a greedy spirit. They are what many refer to as “energy vampires.” At first, you might think, “What did I do wrong here?” But after dealing with them for a while, you realize you can never do enough. Even when you provide exactly what they lack, they’ll still find something to complain about. Whether they realize it or not, greed tests how much it can drain from a situation. If you walk away, they might feel a certain way, but more often than not, they’ll just wait for the next person with a good heart to come along and try to help them.

Some greedy people have mastered this game. Some have made a living by making others feel guilty for not doing enough. You can see this dynamic in some marriages and family relationships, where one person constantly uses guilt to make others cater to their needs. And no matter how much is done for them, they always want more. That’s what we mean when we say someone is “spoiled rotten.”

Greedy people are toxic, whether they’re aware of it or not. Sometimes greed runs so deep in families that it gets passed down through generations. It can be so subtle that even if you point it out, they’ll be shocked that you think that way. They may claim they have “high standards” or “high expectations,” and there’s nothing wrong with that. Having high standards is great, but greedy people have impossible standards—nothing is ever enough.

Once you recognize you’re dealing with someone who has a greedy spirit, it’s easy to address the situation—unless, of course, you’re married to them or share a close family connection. If you’re dealing with greedy coworkers, friends, or neighbors, you can simply stop providing whatever it is they’re taking from you. There’s no need to feel guilty about not doing enough or about their lack of appreciation. You get to decide how much or how little you want to do for others.

In deeply personal relationships, however, the dynamic is more complex. You may want to maintain some connection, but feel drained by their constant “needs.” In such cases, seeking counseling on how to set boundaries and, most importantly, releasing yourself from the guilt of doing what’s best for you is essential.

Being a generous person is a beautiful thing, and the world needs people who can express generosity safely. The challenge for those with generous hearts is learning when and where to give, how much is appropriate, and when to stop.

The Ultimate Betrayal - Flying Monkeys In the Family

 

The most heartbreaking instance of a narcissist using flying monkeys occurs within a family dynamic. The narcissist often employs triangulation and comparison between family members, typically targeting at least one individual as the scapegoat. I’ve seen situations where one child is scapegoated while the rest of the family acts as flying monkeys for the narcissist. I’ve also witnessed cases where the narcissist convinces the children to become flying monkeys against the other spouse, turning the other parent into the scapegoat. It’s a tragic situation.

Narcissists’ relationships are always transactional. They extract something from every relationship, and if they don’t get anything, they typically won’t continue the connection. Family members become convenient flying monkeys when the target is another family member. It’s a delight for the narcissist to watch everything unfold while monitoring the situation. The narcissist uses the rest of the family as proxies to continually harass, abuse, and violate the target or scapegoated family member. When this abuse is covert, it can appear as regular teasing, with comments like, “Oh, we’re just joking,” or “You’re too sensitive.” But for the target, the abuse feels very intense and heavy. They wonder, “Why am I the only one you do this to?” If the target complains or expresses discomfort, the narcissist has already trained the other family members to dismiss it, reinforcing the idea that the target is overly sensitive and that it’s all just in fun. The target may become emotionally upset or reactive, which is ideal for the narcissist, as it confirms their strong influence over the target. Sometimes, the narcissist will involve other family members in the harassment, encouraging them to laugh, dismiss, or even accuse the target of faking illness or being dramatic. The narcissist’s teachings ensure that even in their absence, the target remains under their control, albeit by proxy.

It’s a heartbreaking situation, indeed. If the narcissist is successful in keeping family matters within the home, it may take years for the family to recognize the dysfunctional dynamic. Often, the scapegoated family member is the one who seeks help, therapy, or information. With subversive and covert abuse, it can take years for someone to even recognize it as abuse. For most of their lives, they might believe, “This is just how my family operates.” The negative messages delivered by the narcissist and reinforced by the flying monkeys are often internalized by the target as truth.

But there is a light that shines in the target, which is precisely why the narcissist is drawn to them. The narcissist can’t stand this light, as their personality type thrives in shadows, observing and learning how to manipulate and gaslight their target. The light in the target is threatening because the narcissist envies it—because they lack it. Narcissists are generally uninteresting people, lacking a spectrum of emotions and the lively, joyful energy that others naturally possess. They often mimic these emotional states to appear normal, learning to laugh, gesture, or move their hands by mirroring others because they need a model to navigate life. Without a real self, the narcissist seeks someone to mimic. The target’s light represents strength, energy, and vitality—qualities the narcissist envies and despises. Targets of narcissistic abuse are often incredibly empathetic, compassionate, loving, nurturing, and supportive. They are the type of people who become the glue holding families, communities, and, ultimately, the world together.

Whenever I write about narcissists, I emphasize that this personality type stitches itself together from qualities it sees in others because it lacks the ability to form genuine emotional bonds. This is why all their relationships are transactional. No matter how adept they are at manipulating situations, they don’t truly feel it. They lack the internal connections that allow us to bond with people, animals, nature, and so forth. This is why they discard people so easily and struggle to understand why others find it difficult to walk away from unfulfilling relationships.

The narcissist shares whatever information is necessary to provoke the flying monkeys into continuing the abuse they observe. The narcissist will lie, exaggerate, and fabricate stories to maintain control over the situation. This creates a powder keg. The light the narcissist envies also has the power of exposure. If the target ever escapes and begins to heal, they can shine a light on the narcissist and the games being played, revealing who the ringleader is. The heartbreaking aspect of this is the other family members involved. There are several roles in this dysfunctional dynamic: some family members comply with the narcissist’s games to avoid becoming targets themselves, even if they don’t agree with the actions. Others may enjoy the abuse and become more menacing than the narcissist, often possessing high levels of narcissistic traits themselves, having been trained by the narcissist.

For the target, it’s impossible to have straightforward feelings about anyone involved. In many of these families, the message is, “Yes, we love you,” while all they do is abuse, gaslight, and lie. There’s no real support or emotional bonding—just manipulation and gaslighting. Yet, the empathetic target can often see the entire situation and may even feel sympathy for the family members who abuse them under the narcissist’s influence. The target may think, “They have no choice; they don’t want to be targeted like I am.” Over time, the target might accept their fate as the family’s sacrificial lamb, believing they deserve this treatment from those who are supposed to love them.

In a family dynamic, the relationship with flying monkeys is incredibly complicated and hurtful. The target may have mixed emotions about their family and seek friendships and relationships outside the family dynamic to create their own chosen family—one made up of friends and possibly extended relatives who aren’t involved with the narcissist or who see the narcissist for who they are. When the target is able to free themselves from that toxic family dynamic, they can look back and grieve, sometimes years later, at how little has changed. Even if the narcissist is long dead, the family may continue falling into those roles until the dynamic is interrupted, disrupted, and dismantled.

Here’s where the target becomes another target: the family only knows how to operate within the established pattern. When the target decides to change the pattern and say, “I’m not playing that role anymore,” the rest of the family doesn’t know what to do. If the narcissist is long gone, they no longer have a captain to give them orders, so they begin to see the target as the problem, once again scapegoating them. This dynamic can be a never-ending merry-go-round unless the target gets clear enough to set boundaries, create safe spaces, and stand up for themselves. Otherwise, they will continually be dragged back into the family dynamic, even unconsciously recreating it with others in an attempt to heal. The target must break the pattern, often requiring no contact or limited contact, whether temporarily or permanently. But the toxic cycle will continue until the target endeavors to stop it. It’s a lot of work.

Breaking free from the toxic cycle of narcissistic abuse is an act of self-preservation and empowerment. It takes courage to set boundaries, seek healing, and reclaim your narrative from the distortions imposed by the narcissist and their flying monkeys. Though the journey may be long, remember that you are defined not by the abuse, but by your resilience and your capacity to love. By healing, you not only liberate yourself but also become a beacon of hope for others. The light the narcissist tried to extinguish is the very light that will guide you—and others—toward a future free from their control.

The Spotlight on Narcissists

 

I’m loathe to talk about narcissists at any length. It’s probably my least favorite subject simply because they get enough attention as it is—or at least, they try. However, the spotlight is on them at this time, so much so that they themselves have begun to make their own YouTube channels, Instagram accounts, and websites, telling you how to spot them! They’re taking advantage of the situation, capitalizing on how interested we are in learning about them. Honestly, I don’t knock the hustle—it seems like everybody is out here trying to find their place in the sun.

I grew up with a parent and a stepparent who were very high in narcissistic traits. Everything fell into place after I started reading about narcissism and those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It started with a young woman on YouTube, who is no longer posting videos, but she was one of the rare ones willing to do the work—to look at her behavior and reflect. She mentioned her mother and how she felt that’s where she learned these narcissistic behaviors. It almost seemed to me that she was questioning whether she actually had the disorder or if she was just repeating what she had experienced through a parent. Both things could be true.

She was almost disturbingly honest about how she felt about other people, the things she would do when she felt jealous or irritated. I appreciated her honesty and her willingness to dig deep into her behavior. She wasn’t like some of these newer folks; she would take her daily walk and do a video journal. Now, this was years ago, so all of this creating thumbnails and hashtags wasn’t part of her deal. She would pull out her cell phone camera and just start recording as she processed what she was learning in therapy and reflected on her interactions with people. She freely admitted that she was jealous of most people and would often seek to undermine their efforts or spoil their good news. When the subject did not revolve around her, she felt left out and unseen, and would make every effort to turn everyone’s attention back to her. She admitted that it was ugly behavior.

This type of narcissistic behavior made sense to me. Growing up with authority figures who behaved in these exact ways helped me to look more deeply into what narcissism was. There are a lot of ideas about what narcissists do, how they do it, why they do it, and their motivations. Growing up so close to an abusive narcissist, and later, a narcissistic stepparent, gave me insight into a mindset that is quite mind-boggling. Because I didn’t understand what was happening, I ended up marrying an abusive covert narcissist.

I also turned to the DSM and started looking at official diagnostic criteria. I found some validation there as well. Most information about narcissism deals with the overt, grandiose narcissist. And although many of us have been exposed to them, I find the covert narcissist to be much more dangerous, simply because most people just looking in from the outside don’t see it. They don’t see the distress that you’re suffering under; as a matter of fact, they may join in the chorus of gaslighting, which makes the covert narcissist very happy and helps them feel validated. Few things turn a narcissist on more than seeing you in distress because of their behavior and convincing everyone that you’re the crazy one. It allows them to continue their abuse unobstructed, to the detriment of your mental and physical health.

Many of these narcissist channels and websites are set up by narcissists pretending to be empaths. If there’s one thing you need to know about a narcissist, it’s that they will do whatever it takes to get the spotlight on them. It’s built into their personality. Some of them are very good at making it seem like they’re the empath, that they are the victim. And if you look at how a narcissist operates, it makes perfect sense that they would accuse others of doing to them what they are doing to others. Projection is a hallmark of the narcissistic personality.

Many books, websites, and YouTube personalities tend to highlight the idea that narcissists are charming, always get their way, and feel superior to other people. This is probably the case for some narcissists. My experience has been varied. I have encountered those grandiose, charming types, but in my experience, narcissists tend to be very uninteresting people. They’re boring, and they’re quickly bored, which is why they like to stir up so much drama. They don’t like themselves; coupled with the fact that they don’t understand people on an emotional or empathetic level and have to mimic behavior in order to be considered “normal,” it’s easy to understand why they don’t particularly like people. They detest how much attention they have to pay to regular people, which is why they devote so much time to getting attention. The makeup of their personality dictates that they be centered in any and every situation; if they’re not, they become bored, agitated, frustrated, and often angry.

Narcissists are miserable people. Despite any peacocking and other grandiose behavior, at their core, they never feel like they fit in. This personality type, instead of working on themselves, will employ manipulation tactics in order to work on others. Their entire existence depends on other people. They don’t know how to act, they don’t know what to do—they have no sense of self. They rely so heavily on people that they end up resenting them. They hate the fact that they need people, yet they crave an audience with the very people they dislike.

Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist will understand that there is no good news, no happy ending; just confusion, gaslighting, and manipulation. The best we can do is arm ourselves with information about those who display high levels of narcissism. We need to understand how they operate so that we can steer clear of further involvement with them. There also needs to be an understanding that narcissists are only interested in people who can do something for them. They don’t pay much attention to basic, regular people. Narcissists want to be special, so they mimic those whom they see getting attention from others—people with natural charisma. Despite what information may be out there, they don’t stalk, harass, or hoover every person they’re involved with. The ones they do hoover, however, are the ones who feed them the best feelings. They tend to gravitate toward emotionally sensitive people because they can get a lot of reaction, a lot of emotional content from highly sensitive people. When a highly sensitive person finally recognizes that they’ve lost themselves in a relationship with a narcissist and tries to leave, it causes emotional damage to the narcissist. This period of their lives, when the significant other wants to break the relationship, is one of the most dangerous times for both people in the relationship.

The more you know, the better prepared you are. If you can recognize the red flags early in a relationship with a narcissist, you can avoid much of the drama that comes from being involved with them, though it’s no guarantee. There are narcissists who border on delusional and will see a connection with you that does not exist or never has existed. Take your time getting to know people, especially those who come on very strong, who want to be friends or in a relationship right away. True enough, there are times when we feel an immediate attraction to people, that they are part of our tribe. Abusive and narcissistic people will always give themselves away. And it doesn’t take long if you’re paying attention.

Pay attention 🚩🚩🚩

Dominant vs. Domineering Masculine Energy

I've been noticing a growing focus in the media about women embracing traditional, submissive, and feminine roles. There are many different perspectives on this topic, and I'm not here to take sides. However, I do want to highlight an important distinction for women who identify as more traditional: the difference between positive, loving, dominant masculine energy and negative, domineering, controlling masculine energy.

As a traditional woman, there are certain qualities you naturally seek in a partner. You're likely drawn to someone confident with natural leadership abilities—a man who knows what he wants and takes decisive action to achieve it. You admire his strong will, drive, determination, and attention to detail.

Both the dominant man and the domineering man may exhibit these qualities, making it difficult to distinguish between them at first. Both types of men are self-assured and confident in their ability to get what they want. On the surface, they may even appear equally protective.

However, this is where the differences begin to emerge. While a positive, dominant man is protective and perhaps a bit territorial of his loved ones and property, a domineering man’s so-called protective nature manifests as controlling behavior. At first, the distinction may be subtle, but it’s significant: the dominant man seeks to protect; the domineering man seeks to control.

Similarly, the ambition we admire in a dominant man can become ruthlessness in a domineering man. The respect we naturally give to a dominant man can turn into fear in the presence of a domineering one. This is why, as traditional women, it’s essential to approach "Red Pill" content creators with caution. Trusting these men in a relationship can be dangerous because their views often skew towards controlling, possessive, and dismissive attitudes towards women’s naturally sensitive emotional nature.

For us to continue to be the loving, nurturing women we are, we must feel safe. Otherwise, we become emotionally unstable, hyper-vigilant, always on guard, and unable to be vulnerable. Many of these "Red Pill" advocates seem to aim to place women in a vulnerable state to take advantage of them.

Therefore, it's crucial for us, as women, to know what we’re looking for in a partner. If a man is constantly critical of women but then cracks a side smirk and says, "Oh sweetheart, you know I’m not talking about you," you've just seen your first red flag. Govern yourself accordingly.