Recently, I was in my room, getting ready to eat dinner, when someone came in and closed the door behind them. They said they wanted to talk, and then started telling me about how people have problems—problems you may not see because they come to work with a smile on their face and don’t share everything they’re going through. She told me that I might think people wouldn’t understand what I’m going through, but that they do, because they’re dealing with things too. I was really confused. I had no idea what she was talking about. She continued talking about other people’s problems, including her own, saying she has issues but still comes to work, smiles, and does her job.
After five or six minutes of this, I stopped her and said that I understood people have problems. I’m in the hospital, surrounded by people on two floors who are all dealing with problems—people with varying levels of abilities. Some are paralyzed, some are amputees, some have organ issues, or different mental disabilities—you name it. And I’ve been here since 2023, working on my own issues and challenges. So I told her I didn’t understand why she felt the need to tell me that I needed to be mindful of other people’s problems. Then I asked her directly, “Why are you telling me this? What did I do or say that made you think I wasn’t sensitive or empathetic to other people’s problems?”
She didn’t have an answer. She wouldn’t explain why she felt the need to have this conversation with me. Then she switched it up, saying that she was telling me all of that because she knew I would understand—because of what I’m going through—and that she felt comfortable talking to me.
That was a couple of days ago, and it still sits with me strangely. It takes me back to all the times when I’ve been dealing with my own issues, and for some reason, someone takes issue with me taking care of myself. Subtly, I’m told I’m being selfish for looking after my own health and well-being, that I need to be more considerate and remember that other people have problems too. It’s such an awful conversation to have with someone who’s literally an inpatient at a hospital with major limitations.
It’s crazy how some people will find anything to compete with others about. I’ve heard this called the “Sympathy Olympics.” It’s when you’re going through a hard time or dealing with an illness, and instead of offering help or a listening ear, the person tries to “one-up” you with details of their own problems. If you stub your toe, they broke theirs. If you lost a dollar, they lost ten. It turns into this sick game where they feel the need to outdo your struggles, as if being sicker or more injured makes them somehow “better.”
Don’t get me wrong—this happens in all areas of life. These envious, competitive people will have secret competitions with you in their minds. You may not even know what’s going on, but for them, they’re watching you and feel competitive for some reason. What surprised me most was that this happened based on my injuries and disabilities. Who wants to win the “I’ve got it worse than you” competition?
Personally, I think it’s bizarre. There’s never a time or place where I’d want to compete on such a dysfunctional level. What’s even worse is the underlying message when people do this—they’re telling you that you’re not important, that what you’re going through isn’t important. They minimize your experience and place their problems on top of yours, just to keep you humble and remind you that everything isn’t always about you. They might think they’re knocking you down a peg, without realizing you weren’t even thinking that way to begin with.
This brings me back to one of the most important quotes I’ve heard in the past five years. I don’t know who said it, but I saw it on Instagram a while ago: “The first thing you need to know about me is that I am not you. A lot more will make sense after that.” When she told me I needed to be more mindful of other people’s problems, I immediately thought, “This has nothing to do with me.” And because that was my first thought, I quickly became irritated.
It’s really hurtful when people make up their own narrative about you, choose to believe it, and then spread it to others. That kind of mind-reading and storytelling causes so much misunderstanding and unnecessary drama. Unfortunately, I will always be on alert when dealing with this person now. I’ll always question what they’re really saying. It’s disappointing, especially when you kind of like the person.
But I’ve learned my lesson. There comes a time when you have to start paying attention to what people are doing the first time around. Their behavior will always tell you more than their words ever could. It’s true for me, and I believe it’s true for many people: we don’t want to think the worst of others. We want to believe they didn’t mean it, or maybe they were just having a bad day. And all of that can be true. But there are certain things people do that you don’t need to see a second time—abusive actions, manipulative behaviors, people who minimize your experiences, or those who use what they know about you to hurt you. These people don’t deserve second chances. You should care about yourself too much to allow those types of people near your heart.
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