I’m loathe to talk about narcissists at any length. It’s probably my least favorite subject simply because they get enough attention as it is—or at least, they try. However, the spotlight is on them at this time, so much so that they themselves have begun to make their own YouTube channels, Instagram accounts, and websites, telling you how to spot them! They’re taking advantage of the situation, capitalizing on how interested we are in learning about them. Honestly, I don’t knock the hustle—it seems like everybody is out here trying to find their place in the sun.
I grew up with a parent and a stepparent who were very high in narcissistic traits. Everything fell into place after I started reading about narcissism and those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It started with a young woman on YouTube, who is no longer posting videos, but she was one of the rare ones willing to do the work—to look at her behavior and reflect. She mentioned her mother and how she felt that’s where she learned these narcissistic behaviors. It almost seemed to me that she was questioning whether she actually had the disorder or if she was just repeating what she had experienced through a parent. Both things could be true.
She was almost disturbingly honest about how she felt about other people, the things she would do when she felt jealous or irritated. I appreciated her honesty and her willingness to dig deep into her behavior. She wasn’t like some of these newer folks; she would take her daily walk and do a video journal. Now, this was years ago, so all of this creating thumbnails and hashtags wasn’t part of her deal. She would pull out her cell phone camera and just start recording as she processed what she was learning in therapy and reflected on her interactions with people. She freely admitted that she was jealous of most people and would often seek to undermine their efforts or spoil their good news. When the subject did not revolve around her, she felt left out and unseen, and would make every effort to turn everyone’s attention back to her. She admitted that it was ugly behavior.
This type of narcissistic behavior made sense to me. Growing up with authority figures who behaved in these exact ways helped me to look more deeply into what narcissism was. There are a lot of ideas about what narcissists do, how they do it, why they do it, and their motivations. Growing up so close to an abusive narcissist, and later, a narcissistic stepparent, gave me insight into a mindset that is quite mind-boggling. Because I didn’t understand what was happening, I ended up marrying an abusive covert narcissist.
I also turned to the DSM and started looking at official diagnostic criteria. I found some validation there as well. Most information about narcissism deals with the overt, grandiose narcissist. And although many of us have been exposed to them, I find the covert narcissist to be much more dangerous, simply because most people just looking in from the outside don’t see it. They don’t see the distress that you’re suffering under; as a matter of fact, they may join in the chorus of gaslighting, which makes the covert narcissist very happy and helps them feel validated. Few things turn a narcissist on more than seeing you in distress because of their behavior and convincing everyone that you’re the crazy one. It allows them to continue their abuse unobstructed, to the detriment of your mental and physical health.
Many of these narcissist channels and websites are set up by narcissists pretending to be empaths. If there’s one thing you need to know about a narcissist, it’s that they will do whatever it takes to get the spotlight on them. It’s built into their personality. Some of them are very good at making it seem like they’re the empath, that they are the victim. And if you look at how a narcissist operates, it makes perfect sense that they would accuse others of doing to them what they are doing to others. Projection is a hallmark of the narcissistic personality.
Many books, websites, and YouTube personalities tend to highlight the idea that narcissists are charming, always get their way, and feel superior to other people. This is probably the case for some narcissists. My experience has been varied. I have encountered those grandiose, charming types, but in my experience, narcissists tend to be very uninteresting people. They’re boring, and they’re quickly bored, which is why they like to stir up so much drama. They don’t like themselves; coupled with the fact that they don’t understand people on an emotional or empathetic level and have to mimic behavior in order to be considered “normal,” it’s easy to understand why they don’t particularly like people. They detest how much attention they have to pay to regular people, which is why they devote so much time to getting attention. The makeup of their personality dictates that they be centered in any and every situation; if they’re not, they become bored, agitated, frustrated, and often angry.
Narcissists are miserable people. Despite any peacocking and other grandiose behavior, at their core, they never feel like they fit in. This personality type, instead of working on themselves, will employ manipulation tactics in order to work on others. Their entire existence depends on other people. They don’t know how to act, they don’t know what to do—they have no sense of self. They rely so heavily on people that they end up resenting them. They hate the fact that they need people, yet they crave an audience with the very people they dislike.
Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist will understand that there is no good news, no happy ending; just confusion, gaslighting, and manipulation. The best we can do is arm ourselves with information about those who display high levels of narcissism. We need to understand how they operate so that we can steer clear of further involvement with them. There also needs to be an understanding that narcissists are only interested in people who can do something for them. They don’t pay much attention to basic, regular people. Narcissists want to be special, so they mimic those whom they see getting attention from others—people with natural charisma. Despite what information may be out there, they don’t stalk, harass, or hoover every person they’re involved with. The ones they do hoover, however, are the ones who feed them the best feelings. They tend to gravitate toward emotionally sensitive people because they can get a lot of reaction, a lot of emotional content from highly sensitive people. When a highly sensitive person finally recognizes that they’ve lost themselves in a relationship with a narcissist and tries to leave, it causes emotional damage to the narcissist. This period of their lives, when the significant other wants to break the relationship, is one of the most dangerous times for both people in the relationship.
The more you know, the better prepared you are. If you can recognize the red flags early in a relationship with a narcissist, you can avoid much of the drama that comes from being involved with them, though it’s no guarantee. There are narcissists who border on delusional and will see a connection with you that does not exist or never has existed. Take your time getting to know people, especially those who come on very strong, who want to be friends or in a relationship right away. True enough, there are times when we feel an immediate attraction to people, that they are part of our tribe. Abusive and narcissistic people will always give themselves away. And it doesn’t take long if you’re paying attention.
Pay attention 🚩🚩🚩
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