When a narcissist feels they aren’t able to get the reaction they want directly from you, they often employ proxies—commonly known as “flying monkeys”—to provoke and manipulate you. While the narcissist would prefer to upset you themselves, for various reasons, they may not be able to engage with you directly at that time. Although the supply they receive from your response to the flying monkeys is good, it’s not their ideal scenario.
Flying monkeys are useful idiots to the narcissist, willing to do the narcissist’s bidding for their own reasons. These proxies may be drawn to the narcissist due to their perceived power, influence, or social standing—whether the narcissist is a celebrity or simply a popular figure within their social circle. The narcissist often convinces these individuals that they possess some sort of power or influence, which may or may not be true. To the flying monkeys, being close to the narcissist provides a sense of prestige and importance.
Even though the narcissist views these flying monkeys merely as tools to achieve their goals—stalking, harassing, intimidating, and provoking their target—they are crucial to the narcissist’s schemes. Flying monkeys are also used to gather information about the target, which they relay back to the narcissist. They serve many purposes, especially as potential fall guys for the narcissist’s actions. This allows the narcissist to keep their hands clean and avoid direct involvement, while they pull the strings from a distance.
It’s important to note that despite the flying monkeys’ involvement in these schemes, the narcissist doesn’t truly care about them. They are merely pawns, sacrificial lambs sent out so the narcissist can remain uninvolved. However, flying monkeys often feel special because of the narcissist’s attention, willing to risk their reputations, jobs, or relationships to please this seemingly larger-than-life figure. But make no mistake: the narcissist is only interested in what the flying monkeys can do for them. Once a flying monkey is no longer useful, they are often discarded, a harsh reality for those who believed they had a special connection with the narcissist.
Narcissists are masters at studying people to learn how to behave and interact with the world. There’s a disconnect between individuals with high levels of narcissism and the rest of us, so they spend a lot of time observing and mimicking human behavior. They learn which types of people can provide them with what they need and how to manipulate those individuals to meet their own ends. Even those who aren’t particularly intelligent possess a kind of street smarts and intuition about people, having spent so much time studying human nature. Narcissists only value flying monkeys for their utility. No matter how entrenched the relationship becomes, it is always about how the relationship benefits the narcissist.
For example, if the narcissist’s target has ended a relationship with them, the narcissist may quickly get involved with someone else to provoke jealousy or anger in the ex-partner. Narcissists are always intentional and calculating in their actions, knowing exactly what they want and how to get it. While this ruthless drive is something most people would not admire, it is one trait that others could learn from: the importance of knowing what you want, planning, strategizing, and pursuing your goals relentlessly.
After being discarded, flying monkeys often feel empty and lost. Their time with the narcissist was filled with drama, excitement, and a sense of purpose—however twisted that purpose may have been. Now, it’s all gone, possibly along with their jobs, families, or relationships. Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist for any significant amount of time loses something. Narcissists are thieves on all levels—they may steal your possessions, your significant other, or your job—but what they truly desire is to steal your soul, the essence of who you are. Lacking their own genuine personality, narcissists craft their identities by observing and mimicking others. They craft personas based on what they believe others want, and their entire existence revolves around manipulating people. This makes them some of the most desperate, lonely, and uncreative people on earth, which is why they’re so dangerous—they have nothing of their own and, therefore, nothing to lose.
If you’ve realized that you’ve been a flying monkey to one of these narcissists, consider yourself lucky to have escaped any kind of relationship with them. Unlike the target, there’s little chance of the narcissist trying to reconcile with you. You won’t have to deal with the ongoing drama that the narcissist’s main target experiences. Unless there were significant repercussions from dealing with the narcissist, such as criminal charges, you have the opportunity to move forward and rebuild your life. However, it’s more likely that you’ll find it difficult to let go of the narcissist. You may have become addicted to the lies, drama, and validation from this seemingly important person. If that’s the case, moving on might be more challenging than you think. God help you.
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