Hospital Skin 😳

 

When I was first hospitalized back in May 2023, my skin was in really good condition. I had a daily moisturizing routine and used an exfoliating cream for tough, dry patches. Because of my hair and skin, it’s important for me to stay moisturized and hydrated. Dry skin can go from being just unattractive to downright scary and gross!

I was completely bedbound from May until August 2023. During that time, I received bed baths from the staff. They would come in the morning, and depending on who was on duty, they’d wash the ‘hotspots’ with a little soap and water, dry me off, apply deodorant, and put on a fresh gown. Some nurses and aides would go the extra mile and apply lotion, but most didn’t.

I had no idea my skin was breaking down because, at first, I couldn’t maneuver enough to see past my knees. They kept socks on me, so I didn’t know what was happening underneath. I was also in a state of delirium for most of that time, so I wasn’t fully aware of what was going on with my body. It wasn’t until my head started to clear that I became concerned about the condition of my skin.

There were times in the past when I hadn’t used lotion and was a little ashy, but the dry skin I developed while being bedbound was on another level. My sister jokingly called me “Ashy Larry”! At first, I got an attitude, but all I could do was laugh because it was true. My skin got so bad that I was flaking off skin everywhere I went.

It was embarrassing. Even though I was in a hospital where they’ve seen all kinds of things, I wasn’t used to it. I asked my family to bring me a big jar of Vaseline, and I started slathering it on my face, hands, arms, and legs up to where I could reach. It helped control some of the dryness for a while. Reactions to my Vaseline regimen varied—Black folks understood without needing an explanation, while others seemed confused about why I was using so much. That changed once my skin started clearing up. Then they’d ask, “Wow, what do you use on your skin?”

I thought I was making real progress. The day I could reach my feet and apply Vaseline to my heels and between my toes was a banner day. It might sound a little goofy, but that milestone was a goal I had set for myself. I had to work every day on my flexibility, doing stretches to reach the bottom of my feet. Some days were frustrating and exhausting just from moisturizing, but all that effort paid off.

Then, about two months later, I developed a skin condition that made the skin on my arms and legs look like wet fish scales. I also developed dandruff and a fungal infection under my breasts, armpits, and behind my ears. My skin wasn’t done healing. I tried various lotions, but nothing seemed strong enough to clear the scales. One of the nurses brought me a lotion with silicone, which helped keep the scales from flaking everywhere, but it didn’t resolve the condition. So, I went back to my tried-and-true remedy: Palmer’s Cocoa Butter.

Palmer’s is fantastic for your skin, but it’s a solid lotion, so you have to work it out of the jar, melt it in your hands, and then rub it onto your skin. It was a lot of work, but worth it. I used cocoa butter for about three months. However, if I didn’t apply it immediately after washing, the scaling would become visible again. Despite all my efforts, I was getting frustrated. The staff would just shake their heads—we’d tried prescription treatments, ointments, powders—you name it.

Desperate, I went online and found a doctor who recommended a special wash. Since it required a prescription, she suggested using Head & Shoulders as an alternative to help manage the skin scaling. It felt like having full-body dandruff. I bought four bottles of Head & Shoulders and started washing my arms, torso, and legs with it. I also got a body brush, so my routine became brushing off as much flaking skin as I could, then washing with the dandruff shampoo.

This combination worked like a charm! After about four days, the scaling had reduced significantly. It took about two and a half weeks for most of the scaling to go away. I still have a few stubborn spots, but for the most part, my skin has cleared up, and I’m so pleased with the results. Who knew that dandruff shampoo could help clear up a skin condition?

However, I had to consider that I’m in a very old hospital with hard water. Ironically, while the dandruff shampoo helped clear my skin, it also dried it out. So, it was crucial to moisturize immediately after rinsing off the shampoo. I switched from the solid cocoa butter to an oil version, which absorbed beautifully into my skin.

Since I’m either in a wheelchair or in bed most of the day, the oil was only practical for nighttime. It’s a fall hazard if you’re trying to use a walker or shuffle to the wheelchair with slippery feet! After about a month and a half, I had to switch again, this time to Baby Magic Creamy Baby Oil. I love this stuff—it’s like a cross between oil and lotion, absorbs quickly, and washes off my hands easily. It allowed me to wash and moisturize without worrying about slipping while transferring to the bed. I use it everywhere except for the stubborn spots around my ankles and heels, where I still apply Palmer’s Cocoa Butter.

I had no idea this would turn into such a journey to get my skin back in condition. I’m taking my vitamins and staying as hydrated as possible. What I’m doing internally supports what I’m doing externally, but going almost five months without proper skincare has turned into a year-long quest to restore my skin. I’m also working on my hair, which became matted while I was bedbound. Thankfully, a staff member helped comb it out, and while I lost a lot of hair, it’s slowly coming back.

I’m very satisfied with the progress I’ve made with my skin. For those caring for bedbound loved ones, it’s much easier to keep up with their skin than to let it go and deal with the aftermath. If their skin hasn’t been tended to in a while, start with Vaseline or Eucerin cream (with the red cap). Once the skin starts improving, you can switch to something lighter, but at first, heavy creams or Vaseline are necessary. The act of massaging these products into the skin also helps stimulate circulation and awaken the nerves just beneath the surface.

Maintaining healthy skin, hair, and nails is a challenge when you’re bedbound, but even a little effort is better than none. If all you have is Vaseline, use it. Do what you can with what you have. If you’re able to reach your hands, arms, or legs, massage them as often as possible to keep the blood flowing. Keeping up with your skincare will help you continue to shine and glow. Even with physical limitations, staying moisturized, drinking water, and taking your vitamins can boost your recovery. Help yourself to help yourself.

CBD Oil Review - Does it really work?

 

A few years ago, my daughter recommended that I try CBD oil. At the time, I was skeptical and didn’t pursue it. I did some research, but this was about eight years ago, and the information I found was mixed. There didn’t seem to be any solid regulations, and companies offering CBD products were popping up and disappearing quickly. It didn’t seem like I could rely on a consistent product from the same brand. I’m a loyal customer who takes time to find quality products that work as promised, and consistency is very important to me.

Since being in the hospital, I was prescribed gabapentin for neuropathy. I’ve been experiencing pretty intense neuropathic symptoms, but the gabapentin wasn’t making any difference. When I spoke to the doctor about it, she suggested increasing the dose, but I felt that I had been on enough to know whether or not it was going to work. Since I wasn’t feeling any relief, I asked to be taken off it.

I have two different pain medications that I can take if things get really bad, so I decided to just manage my symptoms as best I could with those. Then, I came across an ad for CBD oil online. After doing more research, I decided to try a CBD isolate. The company had good reviews, and I felt comfortable ordering from them.

The first thing I noticed after taking it was that I actually felt rested when I woke up in the morning. Many times I’ve slept, but it never felt like true rest. That was the first change I experienced. While I liked that benefit, I was also hoping for more—maybe some pain relief or another noticeable effect. What stood out the most, though, was that I started to feel a little more like myself.

I’ve been in the hospital since May 2023, and it’s been nothing but work—learning how to walk again, wash myself, go to the bathroom, and get dressed. Every day is full of effort. But after about a week of taking the CBD isolate, I realized there were moments throughout the day when I wasn’t thinking about my condition or pain. I was just focused on my tasks, like completing my cognitive recovery games, writing, or making artwork. For the first time in a while, things felt normal. That was a blessing.

They say you need to take CBD for two weeks to a month before you start noticing real effects. After two weeks of the isolate, I was happy with the better sleep and lighter mood, but I felt like it wasn’t enough. It’s possible that a higher dose would have made a difference. However, there was another company I wanted to try, so I ordered their full-spectrum, USDA-certified organic whole flower CBD oil.

The company, Cornbread Hemp, stood out because of their transparency—they provide USDA lab reports right on their website, and they take the production of their product seriously. I was impressed by their commitment to quality. After trying the whole flower CBD oil, I found my sleep improved even more than with the isolate. After reading more reviews and seeing that someone mentioned it helped their neuropathy, I decided to order their CBDa oil for daytime use, along with another bottle of the whole flower CBD for nighttime.

At first, the only thing I noticed was the continued improvement in my sleep. But one night, I forgot to take my morning dose, and my feet felt like they were on fire. That’s when I realized I hadn’t felt that level of neuropathy pain since I started taking the bundle. Now, after about a week and a half of taking both the morning and evening doses, I’m starting to notice a difference in my pain levels. While it hasn’t provided significant pain relief, there’s a noticeable reduction in the pain I feel during restorative therapy when I walk with my walker. The lighter mood I felt with the isolate has also continued with the whole flower CBD.

I’m looking forward to seeing how things progress. Like other supplements and medications, CBD can take a few weeks to a month to show full results. Although I’ve been using CBD for about a month now, I’ve only been consistent with my current routine for about two weeks. I’m curious to see how things continue to improve, and I hope to experience some of the more significant benefits that others have reported.

TL;DR

After a month of trying two different CBD oils, I’ve noticed some reduction in neuropathy pain, a lighter mood, and better sleep. While the effects haven’t been dramatic, both companies advise consistent use for a month or more to get the best results. I plan to revisit this post after three months and again at six months.

Performative Femininity vs. The Divine Feminine

 

There’s a lot of content out there—ideas, vlogs, podcasts—talking about feminine energy. You’ll find YouTube channels popping up with both women and men discussing what it means to embody feminine energy. It can be overwhelming, and there’s quite a bit of misinformation floating around.

Part of the problem is that we’re socialized to compare and compete. In the collective conversation on feminine energy, this has turned into women competing over who is more “feminine.” You also see men sharing their opinions on what they think defines feminine energy in a woman. Honestly, I’m starting to find the whole conversation a bit ridiculous.

Just like I wake up every morning as a woman, I also wake up with feminine energy. In fact, we all do—men and women alike. It’s part of our energetic makeup, just present in different quantities in each person. The same is true for masculine energy.

Where I think the conversation has gone off track is that many people focus on shallow characteristics. What’s being discussed is “performative femininity,” which involves outward expressions like wearing makeup, dresses, or getting dolled up. While fun and attention-grabbing, these things aren’t exclusively feminine—we know this because men can also participate in these behaviors for the same reasons.

Currently, there’s a cultural obsession with a certain look as the “feminine ideal.” I find the idea of defining feminine energy this way unsettling. The expression of feminine energy is so much deeper, richer, and more complex than how it’s portrayed on social media.

Anyone can put on a wig, beat their face, slip into a tight dress, grab a Gucci bag, and throw on red bottoms for some Instagram selfies. But this does not capture the true essence of feminine energy.

A better way to explain masculine and feminine energies is to recognize that we need both for the world to function. Masculine energy is active—ambitious, competitive, and striving. Feminine energy is more passive—focused on relationships, harmony, and nurturing. Even these definitions are limiting because masculine and feminine energies exist on a spectrum. If we wanted to dive deeper into feminine energy, we would explore both the creative and destructive sides of the divine feminine.

Feminine energy is about yielding, acquiescing, and reflecting. It’s quiet, thoughtful, nurturing, and supportive, often compared to the ocean. In calm waters, you can float and be carried effortlessly. But feminine energy can also be wild and untamed—deep, powerful, and sometimes destructive.

What I see on social media is an attempt to put feminine energy in a box—to define it, give it a specific image, and encourage women to fit into that mold. Ironically, trying to contain or label feminine energy is a very masculine thing to do. Even those so-called “feminine energy coaches“ who promote a certain feminine ideal are operating in masculine ideas of what femininity should be.

True feminine energy is not something you can label or put in a box. It’s creative, chaotic, and fluid. When masculine and feminine energies work together harmoniously, new worlds are formed, new life is created.

Feminine energy doesn’t have a specific look; it has a feeling. It isn’t exclusive to one gender or even to humans. The current conversations around what feminine energy is or isn’t often create more confusion than clarity.

For both men and women, to connect with your feminine energy, sit still. Breathe deeply. Let your thoughts and feelings simply exist without trying to understand or control them. If you can relax into that state, you’ve tapped into the essence of feminine energy. By meditating and connecting with it more often, you may notice heightened intuition, smoother relationships, and deeper insights into yourself and those around you. Through this awareness, you can begin to create more depth and love in your life. It’s all very natural, normal. Don’t complicate it. 

King Baby - A Tale Of Narcissism (An AI collaborative fairytale)

 

Once upon a time, in a kingdom that had once been beautiful and thriving, there ruled a man known as King Baby. Though he was a grown man, the nickname suited him perfectly, for he ruled with the petulance and selfishness of a spoiled child. Ever since King Baby ascended to the throne, the kingdom had suffered under his tyranny.

The lands, once green and bountiful, were now withered and barren. Trees that used to bear fruit had begun to die. Flowers no longer bloomed, and the ground, which had once yielded rich harvests, barely provided enough to feed the people. The rivers ran shallow, and even the animals seemed to vanish. Worst of all, the joy and laughter of the people had disappeared, replaced by a heavy gloom that hung over the kingdom like a dark cloud.

But King Baby didn’t care. He sat upon his golden throne, growing fatter and more indulgent by the day, feasting on the best foods while his people starved. He ordered his servants to gather all the finest fruits, the choicest meats, and the freshest vegetables for his own table, leaving the rest of the kingdom with scraps. He hoarded the kingdom’s resources, draining it dry without a second thought.

The people, once vibrant and full of life, grew sad and weary. They no longer smiled at one another as they passed in the streets. Their eyes were dull, their backs bent from the weight of their burdens. Yet King Baby noticed none of this. All he saw was his overflowing plate and his expanding wealth.

For ten long years, King Baby’s greed and bloated ego drained the kingdom of life. And then, one day, a new threat emerged. A neighboring king, one who was known for his strength and wisdom, set his eyes on King Baby’s weakened kingdom. This new king had a mighty army, well-trained soldiers, and strong horses. His lands were fertile, and his people loyal. He knew it would take little effort to claim King Baby’s crumbling kingdom for himself.

When word of the threat reached King Baby’s ears, he flew into a panic. For the first time in years, he realized that his throne was in danger. He issued frantic edicts, demanding that every able-bodied man in the kingdom take up arms and defend the land. He held town hall meetings, ordered his soldiers to put up flyers, and spread the word that every man must join the fight to save the kingdom.

But the people were unmoved. After years of being neglected, robbed, and left to suffer, they no longer cared what happened to the kingdom—or to their king. When King Baby gathered the men of the kingdom at the palace to give them their marching orders, the men did something shocking.

They sat down.

King Baby, red-faced and sputtering, demanded to know why they weren’t preparing for battle. The men looked at one another and shrugged. They had no desire to fight for a king who had never fought for them. They had no reason to defend a kingdom that had brought them only misery.

King Baby threw the tantrum of all tantrums. He stomped his feet, punched the air, and screamed that they were ungrateful traitors. He threatened to throw them in the dungeon, to take away what little they had left. But no matter how much he raged, the men stayed seated, their arms crossed and their faces grim.

When the new king’s army finally arrived at the kingdom’s gates, the townspeople didn’t resist. In fact, they welcomed the invading forces. They parted ways, opening a clear path to the palace, allowing the new king to march straight to King Baby’s throne without a single drop of blood being shed.

King Baby, seeing that his own people had abandoned him, was furious. He called them all sorts of names—traitors, cowards, treacherous—but the people remained silent, indifferent to his rage.

In a last, desperate act of cowardice, King Baby fled the kingdom. He gathered what little he could carry, saddled a horse, and rode away into the night, leaving behind the ruins of a once-great land.

The new king, upon taking the throne, immediately set about restoring the kingdom. He planted new trees, tended to the crops, and gave the people hope once more. Slowly but surely, life returned to the land. Flowers bloomed, the rivers flowed strong, and the people began to smile again. They greeted each other in the streets, and the dark cloud that had hung over the kingdom for so long began to lift.

As for King Baby? He wandered the lands, aimless and alone, a shadow of his former self. He never found another throne, and no kingdom would ever let him rule again.

And so, the lesson of King Baby was learned: a ruler who cares only for himself will always lose the love of his people. But a king who rules with wisdom, fairness, and kindness will always be remembered, long after his reign is over.

And the kingdom lived happily ever after.

The end 🕊️

The Sympathy Olympics

 

Recently, I was in my room, getting ready to eat dinner, when someone came in and closed the door behind them. They said they wanted to talk, and then started telling me about how people have problems—problems you may not see because they come to work with a smile on their face and don’t share everything they’re going through. She told me that I might think people wouldn’t understand what I’m going through, but that they do, because they’re dealing with things too. I was really confused. I had no idea what she was talking about. She continued talking about other people’s problems, including her own, saying she has issues but still comes to work, smiles, and does her job.

After five or six minutes of this, I stopped her and said that I understood people have problems. I’m in the hospital, surrounded by people on two floors who are all dealing with problems—people with varying levels of abilities. Some are paralyzed, some are amputees, some have organ issues, or different mental disabilities—you name it. And I’ve been here since 2023, working on my own issues and challenges. So I told her I didn’t understand why she felt the need to tell me that I needed to be mindful of other people’s problems. Then I asked her directly, “Why are you telling me this? What did I do or say that made you think I wasn’t sensitive or empathetic to other people’s problems?”

She didn’t have an answer. She wouldn’t explain why she felt the need to have this conversation with me. Then she switched it up, saying that she was telling me all of that because she knew I would understand—because of what I’m going through—and that she felt comfortable talking to me.

That was a couple of days ago, and it still sits with me strangely. It takes me back to all the times when I’ve been dealing with my own issues, and for some reason, someone takes issue with me taking care of myself. Subtly, I’m told I’m being selfish for looking after my own health and well-being, that I need to be more considerate and remember that other people have problems too. It’s such an awful conversation to have with someone who’s literally an inpatient at a hospital with major limitations.

It’s crazy how some people will find anything to compete with others about. I’ve heard this called the “Sympathy Olympics.” It’s when you’re going through a hard time or dealing with an illness, and instead of offering help or a listening ear, the person tries to “one-up” you with details of their own problems. If you stub your toe, they broke theirs. If you lost a dollar, they lost ten. It turns into this sick game where they feel the need to outdo your struggles, as if being sicker or more injured makes them somehow “better.”

Don’t get me wrong—this happens in all areas of life. These envious, competitive people will have secret competitions with you in their minds. You may not even know what’s going on, but for them, they’re watching you and feel competitive for some reason. What surprised me most was that this happened based on my injuries and disabilities. Who wants to win the “I’ve got it worse than you” competition?

Personally, I think it’s bizarre. There’s never a time or place where I’d want to compete on such a dysfunctional level. What’s even worse is the underlying message when people do this—they’re telling you that you’re not important, that what you’re going through isn’t important. They minimize your experience and place their problems on top of yours, just to keep you humble and remind you that everything isn’t always about you. They might think they’re knocking you down a peg, without realizing you weren’t even thinking that way to begin with.

This brings me back to one of the most important quotes I’ve heard in the past five years. I don’t know who said it, but I saw it on Instagram a while ago: “The first thing you need to know about me is that I am not you. A lot more will make sense after that.” When she told me I needed to be more mindful of other people’s problems, I immediately thought, “This has nothing to do with me.” And because that was my first thought, I quickly became irritated.

It’s really hurtful when people make up their own narrative about you, choose to believe it, and then spread it to others. That kind of mind-reading and storytelling causes so much misunderstanding and unnecessary drama. Unfortunately, I will always be on alert when dealing with this person now. I’ll always question what they’re really saying. It’s disappointing, especially when you kind of like the person.

But I’ve learned my lesson. There comes a time when you have to start paying attention to what people are doing the first time around. Their behavior will always tell you more than their words ever could. It’s true for me, and I believe it’s true for many people: we don’t want to think the worst of others. We want to believe they didn’t mean it, or maybe they were just having a bad day. And all of that can be true. But there are certain things people do that you don’t need to see a second time—abusive actions, manipulative behaviors, people who minimize your experiences, or those who use what they know about you to hurt you. These people don’t deserve second chances. You should care about yourself too much to allow those types of people near your heart. 

Greed Knows No Limit

 

Imagine sitting with three friends, all hungry and complaining that there’s nothing to eat. So, you decide to take whatever is left in the refrigerator and whip up a meal for them. You place it in front of them, and they gobble it up. But when you come back to the table, they’re clearly full, yet still look so dissatisfied. You ask them what’s wrong, and they start complaining about the quality of the food, the temperature, and even wonder why there wasn’t any dessert.

Now, I don’t know about you, but at that point, I’d pack up whatever I had left and carry myself back home. For greedy people, nothing is ever enough. You could give them the clothes off your back, food from your own kitchen, money from your own pocket—you could build them an entire house—and it still wouldn’t be enough.

It’s important to recognize people with a greedy spirit. They are what many refer to as “energy vampires.” At first, you might think, “What did I do wrong here?” But after dealing with them for a while, you realize you can never do enough. Even when you provide exactly what they lack, they’ll still find something to complain about. Whether they realize it or not, greed tests how much it can drain from a situation. If you walk away, they might feel a certain way, but more often than not, they’ll just wait for the next person with a good heart to come along and try to help them.

Some greedy people have mastered this game. Some have made a living by making others feel guilty for not doing enough. You can see this dynamic in some marriages and family relationships, where one person constantly uses guilt to make others cater to their needs. And no matter how much is done for them, they always want more. That’s what we mean when we say someone is “spoiled rotten.”

Greedy people are toxic, whether they’re aware of it or not. Sometimes greed runs so deep in families that it gets passed down through generations. It can be so subtle that even if you point it out, they’ll be shocked that you think that way. They may claim they have “high standards” or “high expectations,” and there’s nothing wrong with that. Having high standards is great, but greedy people have impossible standards—nothing is ever enough.

Once you recognize you’re dealing with someone who has a greedy spirit, it’s easy to address the situation—unless, of course, you’re married to them or share a close family connection. If you’re dealing with greedy coworkers, friends, or neighbors, you can simply stop providing whatever it is they’re taking from you. There’s no need to feel guilty about not doing enough or about their lack of appreciation. You get to decide how much or how little you want to do for others.

In deeply personal relationships, however, the dynamic is more complex. You may want to maintain some connection, but feel drained by their constant “needs.” In such cases, seeking counseling on how to set boundaries and, most importantly, releasing yourself from the guilt of doing what’s best for you is essential.

Being a generous person is a beautiful thing, and the world needs people who can express generosity safely. The challenge for those with generous hearts is learning when and where to give, how much is appropriate, and when to stop.

The Ultimate Betrayal - Flying Monkeys In the Family

 

The most heartbreaking instance of a narcissist using flying monkeys occurs within a family dynamic. The narcissist often employs triangulation and comparison between family members, typically targeting at least one individual as the scapegoat. I’ve seen situations where one child is scapegoated while the rest of the family acts as flying monkeys for the narcissist. I’ve also witnessed cases where the narcissist convinces the children to become flying monkeys against the other spouse, turning the other parent into the scapegoat. It’s a tragic situation.

Narcissists’ relationships are always transactional. They extract something from every relationship, and if they don’t get anything, they typically won’t continue the connection. Family members become convenient flying monkeys when the target is another family member. It’s a delight for the narcissist to watch everything unfold while monitoring the situation. The narcissist uses the rest of the family as proxies to continually harass, abuse, and violate the target or scapegoated family member. When this abuse is covert, it can appear as regular teasing, with comments like, “Oh, we’re just joking,” or “You’re too sensitive.” But for the target, the abuse feels very intense and heavy. They wonder, “Why am I the only one you do this to?” If the target complains or expresses discomfort, the narcissist has already trained the other family members to dismiss it, reinforcing the idea that the target is overly sensitive and that it’s all just in fun. The target may become emotionally upset or reactive, which is ideal for the narcissist, as it confirms their strong influence over the target. Sometimes, the narcissist will involve other family members in the harassment, encouraging them to laugh, dismiss, or even accuse the target of faking illness or being dramatic. The narcissist’s teachings ensure that even in their absence, the target remains under their control, albeit by proxy.

It’s a heartbreaking situation, indeed. If the narcissist is successful in keeping family matters within the home, it may take years for the family to recognize the dysfunctional dynamic. Often, the scapegoated family member is the one who seeks help, therapy, or information. With subversive and covert abuse, it can take years for someone to even recognize it as abuse. For most of their lives, they might believe, “This is just how my family operates.” The negative messages delivered by the narcissist and reinforced by the flying monkeys are often internalized by the target as truth.

But there is a light that shines in the target, which is precisely why the narcissist is drawn to them. The narcissist can’t stand this light, as their personality type thrives in shadows, observing and learning how to manipulate and gaslight their target. The light in the target is threatening because the narcissist envies it—because they lack it. Narcissists are generally uninteresting people, lacking a spectrum of emotions and the lively, joyful energy that others naturally possess. They often mimic these emotional states to appear normal, learning to laugh, gesture, or move their hands by mirroring others because they need a model to navigate life. Without a real self, the narcissist seeks someone to mimic. The target’s light represents strength, energy, and vitality—qualities the narcissist envies and despises. Targets of narcissistic abuse are often incredibly empathetic, compassionate, loving, nurturing, and supportive. They are the type of people who become the glue holding families, communities, and, ultimately, the world together.

Whenever I write about narcissists, I emphasize that this personality type stitches itself together from qualities it sees in others because it lacks the ability to form genuine emotional bonds. This is why all their relationships are transactional. No matter how adept they are at manipulating situations, they don’t truly feel it. They lack the internal connections that allow us to bond with people, animals, nature, and so forth. This is why they discard people so easily and struggle to understand why others find it difficult to walk away from unfulfilling relationships.

The narcissist shares whatever information is necessary to provoke the flying monkeys into continuing the abuse they observe. The narcissist will lie, exaggerate, and fabricate stories to maintain control over the situation. This creates a powder keg. The light the narcissist envies also has the power of exposure. If the target ever escapes and begins to heal, they can shine a light on the narcissist and the games being played, revealing who the ringleader is. The heartbreaking aspect of this is the other family members involved. There are several roles in this dysfunctional dynamic: some family members comply with the narcissist’s games to avoid becoming targets themselves, even if they don’t agree with the actions. Others may enjoy the abuse and become more menacing than the narcissist, often possessing high levels of narcissistic traits themselves, having been trained by the narcissist.

For the target, it’s impossible to have straightforward feelings about anyone involved. In many of these families, the message is, “Yes, we love you,” while all they do is abuse, gaslight, and lie. There’s no real support or emotional bonding—just manipulation and gaslighting. Yet, the empathetic target can often see the entire situation and may even feel sympathy for the family members who abuse them under the narcissist’s influence. The target may think, “They have no choice; they don’t want to be targeted like I am.” Over time, the target might accept their fate as the family’s sacrificial lamb, believing they deserve this treatment from those who are supposed to love them.

In a family dynamic, the relationship with flying monkeys is incredibly complicated and hurtful. The target may have mixed emotions about their family and seek friendships and relationships outside the family dynamic to create their own chosen family—one made up of friends and possibly extended relatives who aren’t involved with the narcissist or who see the narcissist for who they are. When the target is able to free themselves from that toxic family dynamic, they can look back and grieve, sometimes years later, at how little has changed. Even if the narcissist is long dead, the family may continue falling into those roles until the dynamic is interrupted, disrupted, and dismantled.

Here’s where the target becomes another target: the family only knows how to operate within the established pattern. When the target decides to change the pattern and say, “I’m not playing that role anymore,” the rest of the family doesn’t know what to do. If the narcissist is long gone, they no longer have a captain to give them orders, so they begin to see the target as the problem, once again scapegoating them. This dynamic can be a never-ending merry-go-round unless the target gets clear enough to set boundaries, create safe spaces, and stand up for themselves. Otherwise, they will continually be dragged back into the family dynamic, even unconsciously recreating it with others in an attempt to heal. The target must break the pattern, often requiring no contact or limited contact, whether temporarily or permanently. But the toxic cycle will continue until the target endeavors to stop it. It’s a lot of work.

Breaking free from the toxic cycle of narcissistic abuse is an act of self-preservation and empowerment. It takes courage to set boundaries, seek healing, and reclaim your narrative from the distortions imposed by the narcissist and their flying monkeys. Though the journey may be long, remember that you are defined not by the abuse, but by your resilience and your capacity to love. By healing, you not only liberate yourself but also become a beacon of hope for others. The light the narcissist tried to extinguish is the very light that will guide you—and others—toward a future free from their control.