Stand On Business

Across social media, there are countless memes, quotes, and pieces of advice encouraging you to make the changes necessary to achieve the life you desire. Big, sweeping statements abound—whether it’s about changing your habits in 21 days or following trends to be successful. For some, this messaging can be beneficial. It may point to things they genuinely need to change, and following a structured program might be a step in the right direction.

However, there comes a time when we begin searching for answers, and in those moments, it can be seductive to think that sweeping changes are the solution. We might feel the urge to quit our jobs and pursue our creative passions, leave a marriage to embrace single life, or transform our bodies into something idealized. In times of crisis or instability, it’s tempting to grasp for control when everything feels out of control.

Yet, there is wisdom in holding your ground. What often goes unnoticed is that when you’re in the midst of change and life feels chaotic, sometimes the best action you can take is no action at all. To resist the urge to change can be a revolutionary act.

The popular message is that when something goes wrong in your life, the problem must be you. This narrative provokes anxiety, leading to impulsive decisions. But when you know who you are, what you want, and that you’re on the right path to achieve it, changing course might be the last thing you should do. The storm you’re facing could be a test, meant to throw you off track and lure you back to old patterns. Moving forward often requires facing obstacles head-on, which may feel like stagnation. However, if you remain steady and consistent, you will reap the rewards in due time. The storm could be a challenge to see if you’re truly ready for the next level. If you start making erratic decisions out of anxiety and fear, it’s a clear sign that you’re not yet prepared for what lies ahead.

At the start of any new endeavor, it’s wise to have a personal code. Define what you will accept and be clear about your boundaries. Understand your principles—what’s valuable to you and what matters most. Keep your goal in sight as you weather the storm, and when it feels like all of hell is against you, stand firm.

“The Trials of Fire and the Heart” - An AI Fairytale

 

Once upon a time, in the grandest kingdom in the land, there lived a princess named Seraphina. Seraphina was no ordinary princess; she was brave, intelligent, and determined to find a partner who was worthy of ruling the kingdom by her side. Her beloved grandfather, King Alaric, was equally determined to ensure that the man who would one day become king would be strong, wise, and capable of overcoming any challenge. Together, they devised a plan.

Seraphina would pretend to be locked away in the highest tower of the grandest castle in the land. The kingdom would spread rumors that only the bravest knight could rescue her, but in truth, this was merely the beginning of a much greater test. King Alaric had constructed the ultimate obstacle course, filled with challenges that would test not just strength and bravery but also intelligence and creativity.

Knights from across the realm came to prove their worth, but many fell short. The obstacle course was treacherous, containing fire-breathing dragons, cunningly disguised enemy soldiers, and peculiar trolls who chattered incessantly, trying to distract the knights with their nonsensical riddles. But the most dangerous of all was the dark forest where the evil wizard was said to dwell.

Little did the knights know, the evil wizard who lurked in the shadows, casting ominous spells and conjuring fearsome illusions, was none other than King Alaric himself, disguised to test the knights’ mettle. His magic was powerful, and many knights found themselves turned back by the illusions he cast or trapped in endless mazes of their own fear.

One knight, however, stood out among the rest. Sir Cedric was not only brave and strong, but he also possessed a quick mind and a kind heart. He battled the dragons with courage, saw through the tricks of the fake soldiers, and befriended the trolls, who, delighted by his wit, offered him guidance instead of hindrance.

When Sir Cedric reached the dark forest, he was wary but undeterred. He faced the evil wizard’s most fearsome illusions with calm resolve and eventually saw through the deception, realizing that the wizard was not who he appeared to be. However, the final challenge lay ahead.

At the end of the obstacle course, in the highest room of the tower, was a door sealed with a magical lock. To open it, Sir Cedric would have to solve a riddle—a riddle designed by King Alaric himself, one that would require not just intelligence but deep reflection and creativity.

The riddle was as follows:

**"I have no life, but I can grow;  

I don’t have lungs, but I need air;  

I have no mouth, and I can drown.  

What am I?"**

Sir Cedric puzzled over the riddle. He thought of plants, animals, and elements, but none seemed to fit all the clues. He sat in the shadow of the tower for a full day and night, pondering the answer. The solution eluded him until, as the sun began to rise on the second day, he had an epiphany.

**“Fire,”** he whispered to himself, realizing the truth. **“The answer is fire.”**

With a newfound sense of determination, he approached the door and spoke the answer aloud. The lock clicked, the door swung open, and there stood Princess Seraphina, smiling warmly at him.

"You have proven yourself, Sir Cedric," she said, "not only through your strength and bravery but also through your wisdom and perseverance. You are worthy to be my partner, and together, we shall rule this land with wisdom and love."

King Alaric, no longer in disguise, appeared beside them, his eyes filled with pride. "You have passed every test, Sir Cedric. The kingdom is yours to rule, alongside my beloved granddaughter."

And so, Sir Cedric and Princess Seraphina were married in a grand celebration, and they ruled the kingdom together, guided by the wisdom of King Alaric, who knew that they would lead the kingdom into a prosperous and peaceful future.

The End 🕊️

The Spotlight on Narcissists

 

I’m loathe to talk about narcissists at any length. It’s probably my least favorite subject simply because they get enough attention as it is—or at least, they try. However, the spotlight is on them at this time, so much so that they themselves have begun to make their own YouTube channels, Instagram accounts, and websites, telling you how to spot them! They’re taking advantage of the situation, capitalizing on how interested we are in learning about them. Honestly, I don’t knock the hustle—it seems like everybody is out here trying to find their place in the sun.

I grew up with a parent and a stepparent who were very high in narcissistic traits. Everything fell into place after I started reading about narcissism and those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It started with a young woman on YouTube, who is no longer posting videos, but she was one of the rare ones willing to do the work—to look at her behavior and reflect. She mentioned her mother and how she felt that’s where she learned these narcissistic behaviors. It almost seemed to me that she was questioning whether she actually had the disorder or if she was just repeating what she had experienced through a parent. Both things could be true.

She was almost disturbingly honest about how she felt about other people, the things she would do when she felt jealous or irritated. I appreciated her honesty and her willingness to dig deep into her behavior. She wasn’t like some of these newer folks; she would take her daily walk and do a video journal. Now, this was years ago, so all of this creating thumbnails and hashtags wasn’t part of her deal. She would pull out her cell phone camera and just start recording as she processed what she was learning in therapy and reflected on her interactions with people. She freely admitted that she was jealous of most people and would often seek to undermine their efforts or spoil their good news. When the subject did not revolve around her, she felt left out and unseen, and would make every effort to turn everyone’s attention back to her. She admitted that it was ugly behavior.

This type of narcissistic behavior made sense to me. Growing up with authority figures who behaved in these exact ways helped me to look more deeply into what narcissism was. There are a lot of ideas about what narcissists do, how they do it, why they do it, and their motivations. Growing up so close to an abusive narcissist, and later, a narcissistic stepparent, gave me insight into a mindset that is quite mind-boggling. Because I didn’t understand what was happening, I ended up marrying an abusive covert narcissist.

I also turned to the DSM and started looking at official diagnostic criteria. I found some validation there as well. Most information about narcissism deals with the overt, grandiose narcissist. And although many of us have been exposed to them, I find the covert narcissist to be much more dangerous, simply because most people just looking in from the outside don’t see it. They don’t see the distress that you’re suffering under; as a matter of fact, they may join in the chorus of gaslighting, which makes the covert narcissist very happy and helps them feel validated. Few things turn a narcissist on more than seeing you in distress because of their behavior and convincing everyone that you’re the crazy one. It allows them to continue their abuse unobstructed, to the detriment of your mental and physical health.

Many of these narcissist channels and websites are set up by narcissists pretending to be empaths. If there’s one thing you need to know about a narcissist, it’s that they will do whatever it takes to get the spotlight on them. It’s built into their personality. Some of them are very good at making it seem like they’re the empath, that they are the victim. And if you look at how a narcissist operates, it makes perfect sense that they would accuse others of doing to them what they are doing to others. Projection is a hallmark of the narcissistic personality.

Many books, websites, and YouTube personalities tend to highlight the idea that narcissists are charming, always get their way, and feel superior to other people. This is probably the case for some narcissists. My experience has been varied. I have encountered those grandiose, charming types, but in my experience, narcissists tend to be very uninteresting people. They’re boring, and they’re quickly bored, which is why they like to stir up so much drama. They don’t like themselves; coupled with the fact that they don’t understand people on an emotional or empathetic level and have to mimic behavior in order to be considered “normal,” it’s easy to understand why they don’t particularly like people. They detest how much attention they have to pay to regular people, which is why they devote so much time to getting attention. The makeup of their personality dictates that they be centered in any and every situation; if they’re not, they become bored, agitated, frustrated, and often angry.

Narcissists are miserable people. Despite any peacocking and other grandiose behavior, at their core, they never feel like they fit in. This personality type, instead of working on themselves, will employ manipulation tactics in order to work on others. Their entire existence depends on other people. They don’t know how to act, they don’t know what to do—they have no sense of self. They rely so heavily on people that they end up resenting them. They hate the fact that they need people, yet they crave an audience with the very people they dislike.

Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist will understand that there is no good news, no happy ending; just confusion, gaslighting, and manipulation. The best we can do is arm ourselves with information about those who display high levels of narcissism. We need to understand how they operate so that we can steer clear of further involvement with them. There also needs to be an understanding that narcissists are only interested in people who can do something for them. They don’t pay much attention to basic, regular people. Narcissists want to be special, so they mimic those whom they see getting attention from others—people with natural charisma. Despite what information may be out there, they don’t stalk, harass, or hoover every person they’re involved with. The ones they do hoover, however, are the ones who feed them the best feelings. They tend to gravitate toward emotionally sensitive people because they can get a lot of reaction, a lot of emotional content from highly sensitive people. When a highly sensitive person finally recognizes that they’ve lost themselves in a relationship with a narcissist and tries to leave, it causes emotional damage to the narcissist. This period of their lives, when the significant other wants to break the relationship, is one of the most dangerous times for both people in the relationship.

The more you know, the better prepared you are. If you can recognize the red flags early in a relationship with a narcissist, you can avoid much of the drama that comes from being involved with them, though it’s no guarantee. There are narcissists who border on delusional and will see a connection with you that does not exist or never has existed. Take your time getting to know people, especially those who come on very strong, who want to be friends or in a relationship right away. True enough, there are times when we feel an immediate attraction to people, that they are part of our tribe. Abusive and narcissistic people will always give themselves away. And it doesn’t take long if you’re paying attention.

Pay attention 🚩🚩🚩

The Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys: Tools of Manipulation and Control

 

When a narcissist feels they aren’t able to get the reaction they want directly from you, they often employ proxies—commonly known as “flying monkeys”—to provoke and manipulate you. While the narcissist would prefer to upset you themselves, for various reasons, they may not be able to engage with you directly at that time. Although the supply they receive from your response to the flying monkeys is good, it’s not their ideal scenario.

Flying monkeys are useful idiots to the narcissist, willing to do the narcissist’s bidding for their own reasons. These proxies may be drawn to the narcissist due to their perceived power, influence, or social standing—whether the narcissist is a celebrity or simply a popular figure within their social circle. The narcissist often convinces these individuals that they possess some sort of power or influence, which may or may not be true. To the flying monkeys, being close to the narcissist provides a sense of prestige and importance.

Even though the narcissist views these flying monkeys merely as tools to achieve their goals—stalking, harassing, intimidating, and provoking their target—they are crucial to the narcissist’s schemes. Flying monkeys are also used to gather information about the target, which they relay back to the narcissist. They serve many purposes, especially as potential fall guys for the narcissist’s actions. This allows the narcissist to keep their hands clean and avoid direct involvement, while they pull the strings from a distance.

It’s important to note that despite the flying monkeys’ involvement in these schemes, the narcissist doesn’t truly care about them. They are merely pawns, sacrificial lambs sent out so the narcissist can remain uninvolved. However, flying monkeys often feel special because of the narcissist’s attention, willing to risk their reputations, jobs, or relationships to please this seemingly larger-than-life figure. But make no mistake: the narcissist is only interested in what the flying monkeys can do for them. Once a flying monkey is no longer useful, they are often discarded, a harsh reality for those who believed they had a special connection with the narcissist.

Narcissists are masters at studying people to learn how to behave and interact with the world. There’s a disconnect between individuals with high levels of narcissism and the rest of us, so they spend a lot of time observing and mimicking human behavior. They learn which types of people can provide them with what they need and how to manipulate those individuals to meet their own ends. Even those who aren’t particularly intelligent possess a kind of street smarts and intuition about people, having spent so much time studying human nature. Narcissists only value flying monkeys for their utility. No matter how entrenched the relationship becomes, it is always about how the relationship benefits the narcissist.

For example, if the narcissist’s target has ended a relationship with them, the narcissist may quickly get involved with someone else to provoke jealousy or anger in the ex-partner. Narcissists are always intentional and calculating in their actions, knowing exactly what they want and how to get it. While this ruthless drive is something most people would not admire, it is one trait that others could learn from: the importance of knowing what you want, planning, strategizing, and pursuing your goals relentlessly.

After being discarded, flying monkeys often feel empty and lost. Their time with the narcissist was filled with drama, excitement, and a sense of purpose—however twisted that purpose may have been. Now, it’s all gone, possibly along with their jobs, families, or relationships. Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist for any significant amount of time loses something. Narcissists are thieves on all levels—they may steal your possessions, your significant other, or your job—but what they truly desire is to steal your soul, the essence of who you are. Lacking their own genuine personality, narcissists craft their identities by observing and mimicking others. They craft personas based on what they believe others want, and their entire existence revolves around manipulating people. This makes them some of the most desperate, lonely, and uncreative people on earth, which is why they’re so dangerous—they have nothing of their own and, therefore, nothing to lose.

If you’ve realized that you’ve been a flying monkey to one of these narcissists, consider yourself lucky to have escaped any kind of relationship with them. Unlike the target, there’s little chance of the narcissist trying to reconcile with you. You won’t have to deal with the ongoing drama that the narcissist’s main target experiences. Unless there were significant repercussions from dealing with the narcissist, such as criminal charges, you have the opportunity to move forward and rebuild your life. However, it’s more likely that you’ll find it difficult to let go of the narcissist. You may have become addicted to the lies, drama, and validation from this seemingly important person. If that’s the case, moving on might be more challenging than you think. God help you.

My ears are broken! Wtf!?!

In addition to losing control of my hands and feet, I experienced a strange change in my hearing. On my way to the ambulance, I heard a loud pop, and suddenly, it felt as if someone had turned down the volume on life itself. The progression of symptoms went like this: first, I could no longer stand up; then my hearing became distorted; and finally, I lost the use of my hands. I didn’t even know what to think.

When I was in the emergency room, my hearing was erratic. Sometimes I could hear, and other times everything was muffled and unclear. By the time I was admitted to a regular room, I was exhausted. They moved me from the stretcher to the bed, and I gratefully fell asleep. When I woke up, I could barely hear anything.

I wasn’t completely deaf; I could hear sounds, but I couldn’t make out what they were. When I finally saw an ENT doctor, he confirmed that my hearing was seriously compromised—I was lacking clarity. He was the first person who really helped me understand and articulate what I was experiencing. People around me would make noise, and I’d respond, but I had no idea what that noise was. Throughout my hospitalization, some people doubted whether I could hear or thought I was playing some sort of game. It was incredibly frustrating because I desperately wanted to hear clearly. Until I saw the ENT doctor, I didn’t even have the vocabulary to explain what was happening.

I’ve since learned that the brain damage I suffered affected my feet first, then my hearing, and finally my hands. I have other random symptoms, but these are the big three. They tell me that as my brain heals, my hearing should return to normal. At first, I was skeptical, but now that I’ve been hospitalized for over a year, I can recognize some improvement.

As time has passed, I’ve regained a fair amount of my hearing. I got hearing aids, but they didn’t help my brain unscramble the sounds I was hearing. I could hear noises better, but I still couldn’t understand what those noises were, so I put the hearing aids aside. The audiologist told me that I had a choice, and she and her boss agreed with the ENT doctor: if I continued to recover in other areas, like with my hands and feet, I would likely regain my hearing as well.

It broke my heart not to be able to hear. I was trying to be a champion in physical therapy—putting one foot in front of the other, doing my hand exercises, trying to learn how to write again—and I’m still working through all of that. But I often sit in my wheelchair, thinking how beautiful it would be to listen to some of my favorite music, work on my plants, or do my stretches with music playing in the background. For me, music is life.

My hearing has gone through so many changes over the past year. At first, I couldn’t hear much at all, not even my own voice. My family and the staff had to use a whiteboard to communicate, and we had conversations that way. I got really good at reading lips, along with the little bit that I could hear. Then I started to hear music a little, but it’s really wacky the way I hear it now. It’s like something is missing from the songs. For guitar-heavy music, which is my favorite, I can’t hear the lead guitar—I can hear the rhythm section pretty well, though. There are certain singers whose voices I can’t hear at all; my hearing seems to cut out at a certain tone or pitch, whatever it’s called. The same goes for hearing people talk. Some folks have voices with a rich tone that I can hear clearly, but others with softer voices are harder for me to understand, even with my lip-reading skills.

Right now, my hearing has adjusted again, and now it sounds like everyone is talking too close to a microphone. A couple of months ago, people sounded like they were coming through an AM radio station. Now I need people to back away from the microphone and not talk so loudly, lol! Even listening to myself dictate this blog post is getting on my nerves because it sounds like I’m on a microphone to myself. It’s really wild.

Which brings me to thinking about brain damage and how the brain heals. The current theory is that I had some condition that caused brain damage, leading to the loss of use in my hands, legs, feet, and hearing. I still have muscle strength and can hear some things, but with my hands and feet, I lack sensation, and with my hearing, I lack clarity. I imagine that the signals in my brain are misfiring or not connecting properly yet. It’s very frustrating to be a year into this and not have healed further. It’s also sad to think that this might be it—the pinnacle of my healing. I’m trying to make the best of it, but it’s going to take me a while to accept that this might be all there is.

Dominant vs. Domineering Masculine Energy

I've been noticing a growing focus in the media about women embracing traditional, submissive, and feminine roles. There are many different perspectives on this topic, and I'm not here to take sides. However, I do want to highlight an important distinction for women who identify as more traditional: the difference between positive, loving, dominant masculine energy and negative, domineering, controlling masculine energy.

As a traditional woman, there are certain qualities you naturally seek in a partner. You're likely drawn to someone confident with natural leadership abilities—a man who knows what he wants and takes decisive action to achieve it. You admire his strong will, drive, determination, and attention to detail.

Both the dominant man and the domineering man may exhibit these qualities, making it difficult to distinguish between them at first. Both types of men are self-assured and confident in their ability to get what they want. On the surface, they may even appear equally protective.

However, this is where the differences begin to emerge. While a positive, dominant man is protective and perhaps a bit territorial of his loved ones and property, a domineering man’s so-called protective nature manifests as controlling behavior. At first, the distinction may be subtle, but it’s significant: the dominant man seeks to protect; the domineering man seeks to control.

Similarly, the ambition we admire in a dominant man can become ruthlessness in a domineering man. The respect we naturally give to a dominant man can turn into fear in the presence of a domineering one. This is why, as traditional women, it’s essential to approach "Red Pill" content creators with caution. Trusting these men in a relationship can be dangerous because their views often skew towards controlling, possessive, and dismissive attitudes towards women’s naturally sensitive emotional nature.

For us to continue to be the loving, nurturing women we are, we must feel safe. Otherwise, we become emotionally unstable, hyper-vigilant, always on guard, and unable to be vulnerable. Many of these "Red Pill" advocates seem to aim to place women in a vulnerable state to take advantage of them.

Therefore, it's crucial for us, as women, to know what we’re looking for in a partner. If a man is constantly critical of women but then cracks a side smirk and says, "Oh sweetheart, you know I’m not talking about you," you've just seen your first red flag. Govern yourself accordingly.

What happened?

I want to delve deeper into what happened and what led me to where I am today. It started in late 2022. I wasn’t feeling well, and I believe much of it was due to my nerves. At the time, I had been diagnosed with agoraphobia for over five years. In the summer of 2022, I was told I would have to move from the hotel suite I was living in because they were closing it to build a new one across the street. 

I knew I would be moving sometime in November, and as it got closer, my nerves really started to kick in. I couldn’t eat most of the week, and when I did, it wasn’t healthy. Even though the move was just across the street, it became a significant ordeal in my mind. I finished moving by the end of November, but by then, my nerves were completely frazzled, and my feet were in immense pain. I thought I had developed plantar fasciitis again, as the pain was unrelenting.

During my first full week in the new hotel, I rested, trying to feel better, but the pain only worsened. About a week and a half into December, I was admitted to the hospital. I could walk a bit, but it was extremely painful. I went into rehab for about a month and left on a walker. I had home healthcare services for a couple of months, which ended around mid-March. Despite some improvement, I still had pain and was using the walker. The most alarming issue was my inability to eat properly and the increasing difficulty in leaving my room.

Sometime in April, I lost my appetite entirely and started drinking only Gatorade and water. I tried to consume Ensure for calories, but I was constantly tired and spent most of my time in bed. My nerves were on edge, leading to frequent panic attacks—two or three major ones a day, accompanied by dry heaving. One day, the shaking, hyperventilating, and dry heaving stopped, and I began to vomit several times a day, sometimes painfully. I couldn’t keep anything down, not even water. I tried making Gatorade popsicles to suck on ice chips, but nothing stopped the vomiting.

I would sit on my Rollator in the bathroom and sometimes fall asleep because it was too difficult to get out of bed. I started falling a lot, even with the walker. I was exhausted and dehydrated. Around mid-May, I began experiencing severe vertigo, making it hard to see straight, walk, or do anything. I was falling more frequently and staying on the ground longer, but I could still get up.

Eventually, I fell and tried to get back up, but my midsection lost all strength. My arms and hands were still strong, so I kept trying to pull myself up on the Rollator, but I was so tired. I used my elbows to low crawl toward the end table, grabbed a pillow and blanket, and had a trash bag beside me to vomit into. I was prepared to die, and part of me wished I had. I was really disappointed when I woke up because it meant I needed to go to the hospital again, which was the last thing I wanted.

From that point forward, a whole awful chain of events unfolded. I knew there was wickedness in this world, but I never knew personally how far or deep that wickedness could go—with a smile on its face. The medical abuse I encountered, I wouldn’t wish on anyone. To be in such a vulnerable position where you cannot use your hands or feet, hallucinate, and have lost most of your hearing, and for a group of people to find joy in your situation, is terrifying.

As this blog goes on, I will talk about it in more depth. I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready to pick it all apart yet. I am in trauma therapy and have had many conversations with family members and staff about that time. Yet, I want to talk about it here so that maybe even if just one person comes across these words and feels understood, they know someone hears them and is praying for them. There were some nurses and nursing aides who gave me little love breadcrumbs to hold onto because they saw how confused and in pain I was. And there was nothing, absolutely nothing, I could do about it.

Looking back, sometimes I wonder what I could’ve done differently. Given that I had lost control of my bodily functions, there wasn’t anything else I could do. I could only focus on moving forward.

Back again.

It’s been a challenging year. Last May, I was admitted to the hospital after losing the use of my legs. For about a month before that, I had been severely ill with vertigo and nonstop vomiting. Despite my efforts to stay hydrated with Gatorade and Ensure, the vertigo worsened. In the days leading up to my hospitalization, I struggled to get to the bathroom or the refrigerator without falling. I could barely sleep because lying down made everything spin. Finally, I fell and couldn't get back up. Exhausted and dehydrated, I felt like giving up. My core strength was gone, and it was impossible to lift myself using my walker. I managed to pull myself to the end table, grabbed a pillow, and covered myself with a blanket before finally falling asleep.

I don't know how long I was out, but when I woke up, I was still on the floor. I called maintenance, and they contacted 911. When the ambulance arrived, I was embarrassed. I had vomited everything I had tried to drink and had soiled myself. Management helped me pack a small hospital bag and waited with me until the ambulance came. Despite my embarrassment, I had no choice but to let them put me on the stretcher. During the elevator ride, I heard a loud popping sound, and everything seemed muted. I couldn't understand what people were saying or hear myself clearly. I wasn't completely deaf, but I couldn't make out any sounds.

In the emergency room, I underwent numerous tests: MRIs, CAT scans, ultrasounds, bloodwork, and urinalysis. Despite all this, they couldn't find anything except severe dehydration and my inability to move my legs. I was eventually moved to a room, and with IV fluids and anti-nausea medication, I gratefully fell asleep. That was May 18th, 2023. The next time I was fully conscious was at the end of July 2023. Between May and July, I had been in a delirium and lost the use of my hands and arms up to my elbows. My hearing deteriorated further, and I couldn't do anything for myself.

Despite my severe neurological issues, I wasn't able to see a neurologist until July 2024. I've spent time in three different hospitals and have been in a long-term care facility at the VA for a year. Throughout this time, I received no diagnosis. No one could explain why I lost the use of my hands and feet, why my hearing was impaired, or why I had gone into delirium. Despite seeing various doctors, it was unclear that I was dealing with a neurological issue.

At the VA Medical Center, I started physical therapy. Having served in the United States Army, I've done extensive physical training, but learning to walk and use my hands again has been the most challenging experience of my life. I am in constant pain, and the neuropathy is strange, leaving me with little to no sensation in my hands and feet. Physical therapy has helped me learn to sit up, stand using a walker, and transition to my wheelchair. I work on standing longer and walking further. For my hands, I do grip exercises, use resistance bands, and practice handwriting. It's been a long road, and I still have a long way to go.

Last month, I finally saw a neurologist who diagnosed me with sensory motor neuropathy and scheduled a muscle response test. Although I'm not looking forward to the painful test, I am eager to see the results. When I asked my physical therapist about my recovery timeline, he said it's hard to predict—I could make a full recovery, or this might be the best it gets. However, the neurologist's preliminary exam gave me hope that I could make a full recovery, even if I still have some limitations.

So here I am, back at the blog after another hospitalization. I'm not sure how much I'll post, as life had become routine after my last hospitalization. But now, with a recovery process that isn't linear, I have more milestones to document. Writing in this blog helps me recover cognitive abilities and track my progress, setbacks, and plateaus. I'm still awaiting a definitive diagnosis, but the neurologist suspects a demyelinating disease like Guillain-Barré syndrome. After the EMG, we should have a clearer understanding. Until then, I'll keep pushing forward.